While this was the sort of post you'd expect to see over the new years, I really didn't feel like writing it down to begin with. Mainly because I was busy, mostly because it is something I probably said a million times already.

The thing about New Years is that for me at least, I've lost all sense of it being something celebratory. It's become for me at least, another circle around the sun by the little planet that could. While people mark the year's end/beginning as a time for coming up with goals/resolutions/achievements that mostly fail within the first month, I've been measuring my time in terms of each and every crisis I have to face and little goals I set myself to accomplish. In short, the New Year is nothing more than an excuse for me to not do anything but rest and relax for a couple of days before returning to the fray.

My New Year has also been pockmarked with a lot of bad memories. From losing love ones to feeling helpless in the face of people I can't save, it feels like a long standing tradition of badly dealt cards. In so many ways, I don't want to think about all the things that happen in the face of this. I know it is part of the past and I should let it go, but you know how the mind wanders, more so when you're alone. I'm alone a lot during new years.

That being said, I really don't have a resolution or wish for the coming 365 days, except the hope that the next few months would see myself through the most toughest of trials. There is a lot of shit and fire to traverse past and I can only hope that I can go through it unscathed. I can only hope, but reality has never been kind to my plight. I have the scars to prove just that.

It's a New Year with the same deals, the same battles, the same wars and I start it with the same warcry I bellow into the night every year.

"Bring it on!" I say.

And life always does its best.

The thing about doing the late shift as a medical scientist is that you often get called up to collect the blood from hospital patients after everyone else has gone home. Being that is was Christmas eve, everyone went home extra early leaving 2 people on as the skeleton crew. I was one of them.

He was old and frail and the arm in which I took the blood from was as limp as if it didn't have an bones left in it. We talked for a while. Him, to strike a conversation with the only visitor on the eve before Christmas. Me, to calm my nerves being new at taking blood from someone that I've taken previously.

In that moment there was a special bond formed. I knew a bit more about him and he knew a bit more about me. Despite the fact it was only for a short time, I think we both understood just how lonely that night meant for us. So despite doing my job, my smile was sincere as were my wishes for him. I hoped that he would get better. I know I would make an effort to keep track of his progress.

Leaving the confines of the hospital's critical care unit, I began to take note of all the other wards around. Those that had family by them in the hours counting down to Christmas and particularly those that were as silent and empty as the patients who stared into the blank wall or the blaring TV. In a country where Christmas is a holiday that brings people together in cheer, the unvisited dark rooms felt desperately gloomy. Even in my own solitude and melancholy, I know I still had my own health and at the own day, I got to go home. These people deserved more than they were getting.

So I made a choice, if I could the next time around, I would spend more time with those who didn't deserve their solitude. Even if I was alone, I know it was still my own choice. I know I still could do something about it, and I would and I will. No one deserves to be alone on Christmas. Even if it's a meaningless tradition based upon a pagan ritual. Even if its heavily rooted onto a monotheistic belief I have no faith in, Christmas still means something to me, and I would wish it about those that have no one to share it with.

It's the least I could do.

It feels like it's been so long since I last blogged, properly that is. Given that work has pretty much overtaken my life and the rigors of November's NaNoWriMo took up basically every shred of free time that I have, my online catharsis has been somewhat neglected of late, much like almost every other personal blog that I've followed diligently over the years.

I suppose at the end of the day, as I grow up little by little, the need to rant diminishes with time, which when you think of it is completely opposite from the people around me who tend to rant and complain more as they get older. I guess, I'm starting to realise that sometimes there is no point in saying something when no one listens and nothing can be done. The best I can and know how to do is to endure and ride the waves out.

That's not to say that there is nothing happening in my life. Far from it in fact. It feels like there is a mountain of woe on my shoulders and every single day is a constant struggle to stay somewhat lucid and aware enough so that the day's end doesn't result in me having someone killed. I do in fact feel that I've been thrown into the deep end of the pond without any knowledge of how to swim while at the same time carrying what amounts to my own weight, on my back.

There was a time when stuff like that will result in a long down and out post that I'm apparently known for but, as I'm writing this, it just feels like I have no time to, well… feel. Maybe when daylight makes way for the darkness of the night and when all winds down after a hard day's works, I can bring myself to feel depressed, but even those times are taken over by my regular late shifts.

It's odd that the ballast and anchor for my own depression is the constant workload that threatens to wear me out to the bone, but there have been stranger remedies for our own mental state of mind. For now, I'll do what I can to keep writing in spite of my full plate, after all this blog has always been the last bastion for my own emotional outlet. Maybe one day though, that might all change, but I don't see that coming any time soon.

So here we have the empty lull of my life. The calm surface in which there is a measure of consistency and serenity, one that masks a darker, more chaotic layer. One I will share with you one day, but not today.

I did it! 30 days and night and I did it! I finished 50,000 words, essentially completing NaNoWriMo! Of course, my story is far from over but it just goes to show that even the least capable and talented of us are good for something if we really try hard enough. That being said, I will keep writing my story, just not in the same kind of blitz as I did over the month of November. It's still far from done and at least I can take my time to work out the rest of the plot, which I couldn't when I was writing.

I guess, at the end of the day, the people I owe a hell lot to are Mel, who kept wanting me to read the story as I wrote it as her bedtime story. She kinda kept encouraging me to keep up with my writing because I would finish reading faster than I wrote, plus being a picky reader, she actually liked my writing and without bias as well.

Another person I owe for this crazy feat is our regional Australian Elsewhere co-municipal liason Miss Mimic. She encouraged me to keep going when I felt worn out. It helped a lot too that she too shared the same love in speculative fiction and proper (meaning non-Twilight) stories. It helped me focus on the monsters in my characters and for that, I couldn't thank her enough.

Last but not least, the people who popped in an our of the Australian Elsewhere chatrooms. Although things kinda died towards the end because we had to shift rooms, in the times that I connected with these people, I felt pressured (in a good way) and inspired to keep writing. They helped keep my morale up as well as my stubbornness to keep going no matter what the cost because they were all better than me. For that much I owe you gratitude. You guys pushed me to finish my 50,000 words.

So what happens now that I've finished NaNoWriMo? Well, aside from keep on writing, I'll probably edit my work once I'm done. I'll give some people a copy of that work and if the reactions are good enough… maybe… just maybe… I'll think about actually publishing. It's a dream of mine to write a novel and despite my scientific roots, fiction was what inspired me to take on that mantle in the first place. I owe it some form of payback and maybe, this is just that. That being said, assuming that I'm free next year, I'll still be doing NaNoWriMo. I've even got a nice fun plot all ready for it. Until then, here are the last excerpts from the next chapter of the story. I won't be putting any more unless people ask for it, which I doubt anyone will. Until next year, this is one NaNoWriMo winner, signing off.

Survivors! And the first order of business my main character was to feed on them. How delicious.

Laura's blushed bright red, which in the dim light looked like her face had darkened. She looked down in embarrassment as Trevor turned to face her. He liften up he chin and slowly gave kissed her on her lips. She gave in and kissed Trevor back slowly bringing her arms around to embrace him. It was Trevor's cue that his dinner was ready.

Slowly, he kissed Laura inching his way to her neck. So memsmerised by Trevor's hypnotic glamour, she didn't resist but simply gave into the moment. Trevor continued to kiss but avoided biting on the neck. He wasn't sure if Laura would heal in time for morning, so he didn't want to risk raising questions. He slowly made way for the vein that rested underneath the collarbone. It was tricker to get, but vampires make for excellent phlebotomists. Laura gasped as his fangs pierced the skin, flooding the wound with the clot preventing, pleasure inducing saliva.

Trevor drank the life giving liquid, savouring the taste that he has missed for so long. It wasn't that Emma was any different, but since she had been donating almost regularly and so little each time, it was like having eating the same small piece of roast for days. No matter how much you love it, eventually you will get tired of it. Laura's blood was practically caviar to Trevor as he made little noises expressing just how good it tasted. Laura on the other was writhing in pleasure as vampire chemicals spread throughout her body. Trevor had to hold her tight to keep her from buckling her knees and falling down.

Since Trevor had fed a little before the trio's arrival, at least he knew at some point he had to stop. Still, with bloodlust in his own veins and the metallic coppery taste of Laura's blood in his mouth, he knew it was going to be hard to just take his mouth away from the steadily bleeding bite. Unfortunately, just when he was about to finish, they were inturrupted by a torchlight shining at them.

"What do you think both of you are doing?" Bernard's gruff voice seemed to boom over the still night air.

Trevor was so engrossed in feeding off Laura that he didn't even notice Benard sneaking up on them, or maybe he was good at sneaking up at people though Trevor doubted it. He pulled away from Laura's chest, temporarily blinded by the light in his eyes. With his canines bared and bloody and his lips red rimmed with blood, Trevor didn't think a midnight nookie would be enough of an excuse to hide or explain the sight.

"Oh shit." Was all Trevor could say. It wasn't exactly his most eloquent moment.

Again, trying to demonstrate the monsters in my characters. This zombie apocalypse isn't about how humanity triumphs. It's about how much inhumanity makes sense against people's (in)ability to rationalise their fears.

"What have you done?" Trevor was starting to tired of being asked that question.

"I did what I had to. He was going to shoot me. You know the drill. Two men go in. One man comes out."

Trevor looked up and Isaac stepped closer to see what his brain refused to register despite the torchlight illuminated background. If feeding on Laura was relatively clean before, nearly ripping out Bernard's throat had resulted in Trevor's face being a mess of blood. Streaks of blood had gushed from the arterial pressure at some point, drenching his shirt and pants. Yet his eyes were the most terrifying of all, they weren't bloodshot or opaque, they weren't glowing or alien-like in any way. Trevor's eyes were simply human. Bright eyed and utterly normal, as if he just finished a good meal and was engaged in a particularly interesting after dinner conversation.

Isaac gasp stopped at his throat, his mind refused to believe what he was seeing. He started to stagger back, away from the horrifying scene he just witness. He wanted to run away screaming into the night. Despite his wide vocabulary, Isaac couldn't think of any other word to describe the situation at hand. There was only one word that flashed through his mind over and over again.

"Vampir"

He turned around and started to run towards the car and ran into Emma who was trailing behind. Isaac grabbed Emma's hand and tried to pull her away.

"Quick! We have to get out of here! Your friend! He's become a monster!"

Emma, startled, stood her ground despite Isaac's frantic tugs. "Huh? What are you taking about?"

Isaac was practically hysterical "Damnit woman! He killed Laura and Bernard! He's…he's vampir!"

"Oh." Emma's monotone voice was reflected in her emotionless expression "I guess that's regretable then."

"What…?" Isaac's eyes were opened wide in shock and surprise as the realisation dawned on him. Emma twisted his arm around and with her free hand, she unsheathed a machete, plunging it into Isaac's lower back. Its bloodied edge slid out of his lower chest. Blood gurgled out of Isaac's mouth, his consciousness and life slipping away as Emma twisted the machete back and forth opening the wound even further.

"I'm so so sorry. In fact, I kinda liked you." whispered Emma, her voice sincere though her heart void of all feeling.

"You're…all…monsters." Isaac managed to spit out, blood running down his mouth and chin.

"That may be, but this is who we are and that is what we have to live with."

Isaac closed his eyes and breathed out for the last time, Emma's haunting remark would be the last words he woud hear.