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Reaching Out

For most people, success in life would be the achievement of stability. A stable job. A stable marriage or family. A stable income with reasonable expenditures. If that's the case, I would be right there in terms of life's success. By all accounts, I should be happy, or at least content. Instead, I fight everyday to make sure I don't explode, and some nights, I feel that I am fighting a losing war.

There comes a point in the life of someone like myself that fighting on at all costs doesn't pan out. This is perhaps the worst thing I can admit to myself, given that I have made it my personal motto to suck it up and yell out "TIS BUT A FLESH WOUND!" If it was any other circumstances, I would have just shrugged, let it all out and keep fighting.

Sadly, I don't think I can anymore. At least, I don't think I can fight the same way on a battleground that's different than the one I originally planned for. Stability of family life was something I never expected. Those priorities are different. As much as it pains me to admit, I don't know what the hell it is I'm doing most of the time, not so much in achieving maintaining a stable life, but more in maintaining a stable frame of mind.

The best I can put it, I'm a soldier that has returned from the front, still fighting a war that doesn't exist anymore. So I'm going to do what needs to be done. I'm going to seek professional help, on my own accord, without anyone having to stage some kind of intervention or something.

At least I can say my motto still applies. I am still fighting at all costs, even if it is my stubbornness and pride. For the people and things I love in life, I think I can live with that sacrifice.

Letters In Transit

I would have taken a photo of the crumpled sheets of paper that were in my waste basket had Melissa not emptied them out earlier in the evening. Bin night you see.

I have been trying to write a letter for my unborn kid for the past week. Handwritten that is, to be kept for her along with the other words of wisdom, until her 18th birthday. It's a cool sentiment that some part of my brain scoffs because it believes I'm going to offer those words before she reaches 18 anyway. It doesn't matter. It's a plan. Which is a damn sight more than I have at this moment.

Thing is, I'm terrified and excited at the same time. I know it's a normal reaction to one's first expected kid, but the reality of facing it is wholly different. Honestly if you were to tell me ten years ago that I would be married, with a kid along the way, in a house that I own, I would laugh at you for imagining a road that I wasn't going to take. Not because I never planned to, but because I couldn't see myself giving up the life I had for one I didn't even expect.

Yet now, I'm sitting here writing about how I can't think of how to start the first of many letters to my daughter. So much for best laid plans.

Maybe the lesson here is that sometimes life doesn't always go according to plan, especially of you are the one that made the choice to deviate from those plans. You have to live with them, and more to it, is that you have to make the best of them. Just as I am doing now, for a family I never expected. For a life, that I always put a back seat to as figments of my imagination. The reality is that I still want the best things in life, and regardless of what I am going through now, that desire has never changed. Nor should it.

I don't think the next letter is going to find itself crumpled in the waste basket. I just hope my kid can read what is is I'm writing. It's a long time still to perfect my handwriting, but this first one is still going to be a doozy.

Finding Futures

I keep saying that I want to return to this blog, but it's more like at the end of the day I have nothing to say because honestly there is nothing in my life. That and the fact that Facebook has become a more constructive outlet to my thoughts than this blog has become.

Almost a year ago, I said I would return to this blog, provided that I find some kind of reason fr it. That reason though has been harder to find that I thought. I think in part, is because I have yet to find a reason to my life in the years after I made the conscious choice to leave my ambitions behind. So it has felt like I've been floating in a state of pointlessness for the past few years. This blog, which has been the outlet for my thoughts and focus, is collateral damage to the now empty state of dreams.

It doesn't mean that I haven't tried to find something worthwhile to attach myself to. Maybe I have but I just don't see it. Maybe I see it, but just don't have the will to start over from scratch. Either way, ambitions that leave with it a legacy don't come cheap and they don't come without hard work. They do however come in the form of roving opportunities to which I have to seize on my own.

I think I have a couple in my hand now. I just have to figure out how I can make it grow.

Private Anonymity

Privacy isn't dead. Anonymity is.

Privacy isn't dead. Anonymity is.

Note: I wrote this about a week ago with the intention of posting it up with the appropriate photo when the mood stuck me. Given the recent celebrity nude photo leak/hack. I figure it would be a good time to put this up. Which also meant I had to get creative with the photo.

They say that privacy is dead. As someone who grew up during the early years of the internet, I always considered it to be an overly sensitive headline. Something people who can't keep up with the ever changing pace of technology would say. I say it differently. I say that privacy is not dead. It never was. Privacy is very much alive. It is anonymity that is dead.

I recently updated my phone to the latest version of Windows Phone and with it, finally bringing Microsoft's own digital personal assistant to the game, alongside iOS's Siri and Google's Google Now. The first most obvious thing I realised going through all the options is that for Cortana to work to its fullest potential, I have to allow her to access almost every part of my digital footprint. Location, emails, social networks, interests and most definitely by default, search metadata.

Thing is, I accepted these conditions right away, leaving them to default as they were. It was the same as when I activated Google Now on my Nexus 7, allowing Google to go through my data. As much as I, an educated and experienced user of the digital age, understand that I am allowing these companies to go through my data for their own profit, I am also being given a service that would help me make my life easier.

A lot of armchair privacy advocates would say that such casual openess with our personal information is a portent of doom and gloom, heck, my mother regularly chastises me with my openness on social networks. However I don't think this is necessarily true. Like how we have dealt with privacy in a pre-digital age, a lot of what we put out comes down to common sense. I like to think that this is why older non tech savvy relatives and inexperienced mobile phone generationals fail so badly when it comes to digital privacy. Both age groups have no idea what they are doing.

Let's put it in a simpler context. Whenever I am tasked with the option of sharing my information on a digital level, I always ask myself two important questions.

1. Am I comfortable with the possibility that everyone will know what I will be sharing online?
2. Are there any adverse consequences to myself and the people around me should people know what I will be sharing online?

If I answer yes for the first and no for the second, then I'm all set to put whatever I want up online. This doesn't mean that privacy is dead, it means you have a choice on what you want to leave as private.

So now, we'll put this in a non-digital context. Let's say I have a fairly offensive shirt that goes along the lines of "I hate black gay Jews" (Obvious disclaimer: I don't own a shirt like this and I have no bias against race, the LGBT community, and religion). I'll ask myself the very same questions as above. Am I comfortable wearing it in public? Of course I wouldn't be so that puts an end to publicly displaying it, but for the sake of argument, let's assume I'm one of the worst kinds of bigots. Are there any adverse consequences should I wear it in public? Given the polarising social backlash of the current climate, it's obvious there would be. So even if I am some kind of homophobic racist (I stress again, I am not one), common sense dictates I shouldn't wear something like that in public.

If people apply the same kind of common sense to the digital world, it is perfectly clear that privacy has never died. We have a choice, and we will always have a choice on what we choose to share with others. What internet takes away from us and I think that's what many people are struggling to realise is that you're no longer another face in the crowd.

Sure, at the end of the day, we can be catagorised as just part of a larger subset of data for corporations to make use of. However, in that data lies core information of who we are. Name, age group, income bracket, interests. People will argue that the knowledge of this alone is a violation of privacy, but it's no different from pre-digital era data mining. If that kind of personal detail is the basis of privacy violations, then privacy was dead a long time before the internet came of age.

It's thanks to the digital age, that it's easier to process large amounts of information to put a face to the data that corportations want. It doesn't mean that they will know your most intimate secrets (unless you lack the common sense to put it for all to see), it just means that they know enough to sell you the things it thinks you need. The more you're willing to let it identify who you are, the better those services are for you. It's a trade off in that your face, literally and metaphorically, will be the key to a more convienient lifestyle. Everything else about you is inconsequential, unless you're willing to share it, and that maintains a level of privacy that people seem to forget they still have.

Addendum: When the news broke that a lot of private celebrity photos were leaked online, the backlash and outrage naturally followed the wave. One side seems to think that it was stupid of them to upload their photos onto a secure cloud. Others think that there is no difference from this incident and having your own home burgled with your private and intimate life taken and shown for the world to see. I think that, realistically at the end of the day, even though celebrities are human like the rest of us, deserving of private moments, it is their very nature as celebrities that makes them a target for people who have nothing better to do in their lives, except to ruin someone else's day. It never excuses idiots from doing such a thing, but it means that as people in the spotlight, celebrities need to have an extra awareness of what goes on in their lives in order to maintain a standard of privacy.

To end it, let's go back to Siri/Google Now/Cortana, and why I'm fine with giving them just enough personal information for them to work. If we consider actual personal assistants who manage the schedules of the wealthy and perpetually busy, they manage their bosses schedule for up to months at a time, they know where their bosses are and should be at any present time, they take their phone calls and messages should their bosses be busy, and they know what their bosses tastes enough to show them what they need to know and how they need to know.

I now have the more affordable version of that assistant in my pants, I just have to give up a few things like having my own coffee delivered personally in the morning. I'm sure I can live with that.

Returning To Roots

It's been such a long time since I've wrote here, it almost feels like a fresh start redoing the site and just writing something. That was the problem with Facebook and Twitter. I shared so much with it, that I got caught up with wanting to world to know what I heard, what I saw and what I felt.

It was when, what I thought became more private, that I began to realise that it was more important to just write it down, rather than just share. I did contemplate on writing, old school, in a physical journal, but having still own the domain name and this little slice of the internet, there was no sense letting it go to waste. Plus, it's a pain to get out and develop photos to glue into the journal. Awesome to do so, but I was never that kind of guy. Here at least, I can just upload it. That is when I figure out how best to do it in painlessly.

So, new title, new tagline, same journey through life while trying to put it in a perspective where I can accept. It's not much of a rebirth, but then again, it's not like I've found some new meaning to life anyway.