48 – A Turn For The Worse…

Song of the 36th Hour: Dashboard Confessional – Vindicated

I really cannot take it anymore., one way or another I’m feeling the pain either way. It’s either the frustration of loss or the frustration of…well…loss really. Because I haven’t been asleep for the past 37-38 hours, my mind tends to wander alot and usually I only stay up this much provided I have something to do to work off whatever frustration and pain my mind randomly wanders into during its delerium.

Except now I don’t have anything to do.

That was the dangerous part I overlooked.

I thought blogging would give me something to do, but part of blogging is musing about my thoughts…and when my thoughts hit something dark, there is no way I can do anything about it. Writing it down doesn’t make is hurt any less as my body has been proving that all along. it doesn’t help that I convert pure emotional pain into physical pain. It doesn’t help that I’m telling people to do things they NEED to do for themselves rather than have them be there for what I want.

It doesn’t help at all.

So what happens when the body can’t take anymore pain and the mind fills up with all the images of your own frustration and self-loathing. I certainly can’t cut myself anymore. Too many promises to too many people not to do it. I can’t drink anymore because I may have a drinking problem. I can’t talk to anyone or have anyone to hold me right now because…no surprise there, I’ve always been isolated from everyone else.

So what happens?

You begin to break down. You try so hard to keep it all together only to find your precious sanity slipping away because you don’t have enough strength to go on. You don’t have enough willpower to keep fighting. You have nothing save what you already have to keep you company.

And when you’re a person who hears voices.

That is not good compan indeed.

But I feel like I am breaking down.

I’m just scared not even promises can stop me from doing what I will do to myself.

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