One thing I hate the most is having read something that sounded so definite a few weeks back…then have it sound completely different later on because whatever the writer had in his mind before has turned a complete 180 degrees into something else that’s grandstanding and definite. Don’t you hate that?
I hate that.
I really do.
That’s why I think I’m going to hate myself a little bit more for the moment as I talk about something that has a completely different but definite meaning from what I have been saying from the past week.
As you know…I am now single…but not without the effects it had on me. I have resolved to become the person who I always was. The dark, brooding, mysterious, cold hearted, nobody that appears when you need him, fixes things in a way that would make a german engineer seem impractical and disappears when all crisis is over and the problem is solved.
Of course…being that fact that I am limited by my social skills on that level…being a person like that can only go as far as I can be…online.
Hence…there was also another side of me which I have been neglecting as much as I have neglected being a cold practical sociopath. I have been neglecting the side I took months to learn and years to actually fine tune it right. It’s a side I never really got to use within the people that already know me for what I have been all the while. It’s a side that I’ve really forgotten I have.
I guess what I’m saying is that some part of me will never escape the fact that I used to be an accomplished one liner flirt as well. Yes…those of you who know me for what I usually do know this can’t usually be true. For the most part…it isn’t. It’s not something I bring out into the open so easily. It’s not a muscle I usually flex to impress people with. It’s just one of those things I never really shown the people I know because…what’s there to show? People already have a different first impression of me. That trick won’t work there.
That’s a different story for a different day.
So it’s no surprise that even now…whatever traits I have. Whatever skills I have picked up over the years is rusty at best in real life. I can find myself talking to people saying the most STUPIDEST things in the dumbest way then in my mind telling myself.
“Why why why did I have to say that?“
I guess at this moment, I realise now that it’s time to work those muscles. It’s time to unleash everything I had or will ever have. There is no…embarrassing shyness about it. There is no reason to appear smart. There is no reason to have anything to prove to people. There is no reason to hold anything back. It’s just me and the people I’m going to be talking to.
If I am to go all the way to be the sociopath that I am. I could at least work on my social skills too. I’m not exactly as good an accomplished actor as Edward. But for this…it comes pretty darn close.
Let’s just hope I can hold my drink down as good locals.
It’ll be bad press to do otherwise.
Very bad indeed.
Now I can go about hating myself.