It’s hard to listen to the fact that your own stubbornness and pride is costing you your own life. It’s harder to openly admit on your own blog that your own stubbornness and pride is costing you even the ones you love. But it’s all I can think about right now.
It’s all that I know I have to think about.
How much have I echoed the words that I am arrogant and stubborn and that I will try to change. How often? The thing is…if it were up to other people, the wouldn’t look back on me…and neither would I look back on them. That at least…hasn’t changed in me one bit. That…is a vicious cycle I’m going to have to deal with soon enough.
But when you say you just want to look away.
Never have I felt so lost without my anchor to be there.
But that’s the catch-22 isn’t it?
I have…to work this out myself…for you to always be my anchor…but without you currently here…to be my anchor.
Does that make any sense?
I think it does…at least to me.
If I pull through this…it’ll probably be the greatest example of reexamining your life to turn it around in the shortest amount of time possible. If I don’t…it will be the greatest failure I will ever face.
In any case…it’ll change my life as it is. In any case…I need to rebuild my life as it is. I have to really let go of all that pride and stubbornness without…letting go who I really am. I wish I could make it as easy as you did. But if you’re right…it never was easy to begin with. If anything…the hardest thing is living with the concequence of your own actions. People are not as forgiving as you have been for me.
I just want you to know that I don’t want to fail you. If anything I pray everyday that you have the patience, faith and hope to stand by my side without the apathy I have caused you to show.
Maybe…what a friend said was right after all. That…being this far from you is a good thing. That I can’t take things for granted anymore. That if I am to survive this…I have to show you the person I’m really made off…not just in the words I say and write…but in the actions I show you. The actions that comfort you because you’ll know it’s for me and I know it’s for you.
For a future to live maybe it isn’t enough to change the world around me for the better.
Probably in the end…it starts with changing the me for that world.
To keep what I already have.
To make what I need.
To live knowing I have it all covered.