A Thought Or Naught…

It’s pretty late right about now. In my present physical condition, it’s best for me to actually be asleep. But I guess it really doesn’t matter since my class happens to be in the late afternoon anyway…and I’ve been in worse conditions before, most of then ended up pretty fine anyway.

I guess I’m just lost in thought.

It would have been very wise not to have watched that show just now, but I guess I couldn’t help it, I wanted to know the ending anyway. I also guess it wasn’t wise to start thinking about anything after watching a show like that…but I guess that couldn’t be helped either…I’m not known for giving something too little thought. I guess it wasn’t the best thing to do sitting down on the shower floor with the hot water pounding over your head down your back feeling empty and torn…but I guess…given the position I’m in at this moment.

You can’t blame me either.

It’s funny how doing something in the hopes of it cheering you up could remind of you of the pain you’ve been trying to put away. Or maybe things like this don’t work for people like me. They aren’t suppose to work for people like me. When you boil down to it…it’s just…superficial in its distraction. You can’t use a band-aid to heal a wound cut so deep. You got to go in deep…repair the part that’s bleeding first before you stitch the whole thing up.

Otherwise…it’ll just bleed even more.

I wish my life were as assured and as happy as the shows I watch…at least in the finality of it all. Yes…he did lose the girl he loves. Yes…he did close his heart and move away from everything that reminded him of the girl he lost. But in the end…by some trick of fate…everything comes back to the way it was meant to be. Girl finds boy…man finds the woman he loves…and the future to be told is one they would make together.

If only I could fast foward the seconds of my life to that end. If only I knew there would be an end like that in the chapter of my life.

Maybe what I said before was right after all.

In the world that we live in today, there is no room left for romantics. I’ve grown hard enough to openly declare that love is never enough but yet I still stubbornly cling on to the fine hope that whatever love is left should be worth fighting for…even dying for because it still holds the last shreds of my own humanity. I’ve gone this far to grow into the man that I am.

I can’t cast away all the pain, all the loss that went on into making the me today so that I can stop feeling the pain now. Consider all that sacrifice and what was it for?

A better future?

A life worth living for?

A hand to hold till the end of days?

Maybe I will always be someone who cherishes the sanctity of love. Maybe I’ll always be someone who could dream well with someone to hold through the night. Maybe I’ll always be someone better knowing that there is a warm smile to return home to at the end of the day.

Maybe this will all kill me someday.


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