Do I feel alone right now? I guess I do. The hugs and kisses for a long journey like a squirrel packing for the long winter ahead. I don’t mind carrying the heavy stuff to as long as I spend my time with her before she leaves for her hometown. Hell…it’s only going to be one week. But…you know it goes…repeat it with me ladies and gentlemen…it doesn’t hurt any less…
I asked Milee to look into my eyes and the part which pleased and sadded me the most was the fact she said no one was home. Looking back at my life yet again…I always think about the fact I never had any intimacy as a child. Somewhere deep inside I always blamed my parents for not giving me any close intimacy a child should have. Never had a hand to hold, never a comforting hug. Yes they did build me up financially…but…I just never had that feeling of comfort and warmth…until now that is.
I know I’d have to leave it behind in the end…but at least I think I won’t grow up to be my father. At least I understand truly the blessings of the embraces and carresses a person can have. As much as a monster I build myself to be, it is that experience that would still keep me irrevocably human. It is the one thing I would truly regret when the time comes to leave that part of me behind.
What worries me is…when the time comes…should I really just walk away from it all? Another day, another problem. Now…I’ll do what has to be done. Even if that means being monster that I need to be.