Remember those Science Fiction TV shows where the hero walks into an alternate universe (eg. Sliders) and finds a better version (or worse) of himself. The alternate showing qualities that counteracts your current weak dispositions. Now have you ever had those times when you wished you could be a better version of your own self without all that science fiction possibilities?
I know for the past few weeks I have.
It’s not that I want to be something I’m not. No…I’ve long moved past that sentiment. It’s the fact that I’ve been wanting to concentrate on the things that make who I am now much more than I could be. The thing is…I’ve always relied on her to give me some hope for that. Thing is, even though she’s no longer walking with me.
I still see her as a hope for that.
I don’t know. I’m not out to change myself in the desperation to win her back. I’ve moved past that sentiment as well…even though it’s still painful to do so. But…seeing her at the back of my mind, let’s see…what’s the best way to put this down as…
She is my muse.
She represents the hope for a better future.
If she saw that remark. She’d gawk and tell me I’m an idiot who’s taking it a bit too far. But…somehow I still smile at the sight of her doing that. Wish I could see it for real.
But that’s all beside the point.
The point is that I’ve been trying to be a better version of myself without anything to help me out…which…isn’t in unfamilar territory. It’s something I’ve been doing alot. But the most important question remains. Where do I start? Who am I to begin with? What am I to work on?
Someone who’s eccentric? Yes…I can see people at the back there screaming in agreement.
Someone who’s always there when you need him? Possibly but that’s not for me to decide.
Someone who’s always remains in the background? This one I can nod furiously at until my neck hurts.
Someone who likes to know more no matter what the cost. I’ve lost alot to know as much as I can that’s for sure.
I know there is more about myself, but that’s a start to work on. What am I really? I need something that matches close enough for me to work on. It’s hard to be working on a blind eye without any direction to what I can turn for the better and what else is there to sacrifice.
I guess if anything, redefining a sense of self is better than trying to be something without knowing whether it’s true to yourself or not. I MAY be as cold, cruel and calculative as a machine under certain conditions. I may be a sensitive feeling person under other conditions. In any case, I have to redefine what those conditions are…and in that sense…redefine the person I could ever be.
It may be the same as before.
I don’t know. In any case, knowing where you stand for sure rebuilds the foundations you’ve lost and at this moment, I know I have to rebuild a lost ground to stand on. I can’t stand for others unless I know I can stand for myself. I can’t do what I have to do for a future, without knowing what I have to do for myself. She showed me that most valuble lesson and I’m not one to turn away from things I learn no matter what was sacrificed.
Maybe I have a more solid ground to build on…but I won’t know until I’ve actually dug beneath the surface.
What I do know is some things have changed.
But some things always remain the same.
And what remains the same has always been what’s important.
And that’s all that can be said.