One week. I haven’t blogged in one week voluntarily and I know that has got to be some sort of new thing for me. Then again looking at what I’ve been going through lately, all the thoughts in my head, all the things in my life…if I were to put them down here…it would be akin to writing gibberish because even I have trouble making heads of tails of it.
Which presents me with a problem really.
My problem is that for a large part of my life, I’ve always been a closed book. I’ve always kept people at arms length, I’ve always second guessed the intentions of people’s goodwill. I’ve always done that…till she changed me. She tried so hard to make me realise that there was more to life if I opened up.
She did a pretty good job too.
So good that now…I’m torn. I’m torn between being the person that I was and being a person that I realise I should be. The problem is that I once thought that I had the rest of my life with her to learn what she did best, now I feel like a person who knows how to pull the trigger of a gun but was never taught how to aim.
There was a time that she was patient enough to stand by me and stop me from all the stupid things I could say or do in a social situation.
Now…that what I realise I have lost.
She wasn’t just a friend or a lover.
She was my own soulful guide and teacher.
The price to pay for being sociable this late in life is that I can’t find a proper niche for me to be at home with. Problem is with people like me is that I will always say the wrong things or act the wrong way because I never had the social understanding that everyone stood by. It’s fair enough that people may ask me to just be myself and not care for what other people think of me, then again…after seeing what it’s like to have people you can count on to be there for you.
Heaven is a slice you can’t forget so easily.
So being here with all my problems and all my issues, I’ve only got one thing to go by. As long as that cold night is as empty as the response to the desires I want, all I can do is push on to try and at least finish the things that get started.
If anything…I can cry about it later when there is no one around.
Which just happens to be all the time.