This is turning out to be one of those days where you just wish you never woke up. Not surprising anyway, for a cool rainy sunday morning, it’s as perfect as it is to sleep in. Which is why I woke up at half past 12. But then again…that’s not the reason why I wish I was still asleep.
No it wasn’t.
Of all dreams so vivid and real, of all realities so becoming of an illusion. Why did it have to be the one where she’s with me. It seemed so real. Seeing her again after so long, seeing her tell me I’ve become the man she fell in love with once again. Seeing her tell me she’s ready to take it to the level we should have always taken it to. Why does life has to be as cruel as the dreams I wake up from?
Why did it I have to wake up?
It wasn’t just the need to continue what I wanted that made it so real. It was…her. Just her. Holding her, asking me to hold her like before in the small bed we used to occupy together. Cuddling up, warming to the touch of the body so close and the smell so real. It isn’t fair that I have to wake up to an empty bed. It isn’t fair that I have to soldier on without time to grieve for my own loss.
But that’s the way it is.
A friend far away said that it is better to slave on than to spend all the time doing nothing. I tend to agree on that…seeing that we all have been through that one way or another…I don’t think it’s good for me to spend alot of time by myself. But then…I never had time here to begin with. I have a life I have to live without another safe choice to head towards. I don’t have that…physical comfort you guys have that I need to completely move on.
And that hurts most of all.
That’s why it hurt when I woke up. That’s why I lay in bed for the longest time pulling every fond memory I had with her up rather than dwell on the fact she walked away. They say you really love someone when you always look at the brightest moments in the relationship no matter the darkest hours of your life.
They were right.
I am but a part of a dream that has yet to be realised. All those memories are the testament to what could always happen. Waking up from the dream of happiness doesn’t mean it would not happen. It means it could happen. It means its still a dream that needs to be worked on. I hurt because it is something I have yet to hold…but realising what I hold now is equally precious.
I hold the memories of relationship that gave peace in a war that we were fighting.
The comfort of eternity neverending.
The endgame I will never break by waking up.
But waking up in the end to that endgame of dreams.