Have you ever wondered whether there is any reason why life gives you whatever it gives you? Have you ever had a sitation where for some reason, some form of ironic coincidance or twist of fate, the cards dealt by life to you has always been the same. Have you ever felt the futility of consantly bumping into things that you never wanted in the first place.
Some days I don’t know where I get my strength from.
Sometimes no matter how hard I try, no matter how much that you do, no matter what price you pay, some things cannot be changed. It’s as if for some reason…it is something you’re dealt with for the rest of your life. The only thing I can try to do is understand those reasons whch are as obscure as the matter itself.
I don’t know…there isn’t a day that goes by with me echoing the words why. There isn’t a day that goes by without me pleading for once for someone, for something to show me the reason why I am always faced with this dilemma. I can understand the mistake if it’s done by my own hand…I know what to do if it’s by my own hand and I have begun to correct those mistakes. But for life throw me the cards? I know I can do much with my own fate.
But God I am not.
I’m not that good.
Just for once give me a group I can be with. Or at least give me a reason why not now or not ever? Why do you have to take the remotest possibility of finding my own niche? Why do you have to always have to leave me by the door when I’m about to walk into that room? Why to I have to bare the weight of solitude on that level?
What more do you want from me?
But I guess…in the end I am a soldier for my cause…whatever that may be. Already my mind is remolding itself into apathy. Already the fragments of frustration and desperation is melting away to the place I always keep them. Maybe what’s left is just the question of desire…but whatever pain and isolation I am to bear where I walk…that’s a cold whisper in the wind of darkness.
Fate is fate.
No matter what befalls me, however repetitive or surprising it may be…I still have to take control of it. It’s still my choice where I turn from there. It’s still my choice not to be swept away in the turbulant tides of life.
It’s still my choice to live my own life.
Now that is what I truly have.
That is something no one can take from me.
Not even God.