Sometimes just when I think You’re right there to poke Your omnipotent pinky at me, You end up giving me something worth working towards. I may like You as well as well as hate You the way You are…but some days, You just confuse the plain hell out of me. For once could You please tell me what I’m in for?
What do You want from me?
Sometimes I’d like to believe that everything I do now is with Your best interest even though other people whom worship You would call me a devil-advocating anti-Christ and would rather see me burnt on a stake. I mean…yeah…there are days when I do believe that what I do is for the greater good. So far I have had whatever good I can call a blessing to wherever I’m headed even though it has never been easy…or happy for that matter.
Whether it’s by Your whim or not, I don’t know.
I don’t think I want to know.
All I know is…whatever heaven and hell I’ve been through so far. Whoever I have become and will be. You’ve always given me that chance for me to make it on my own. While she’s given me a reason to be more than I could be, You’ve always given me a reason for myself to be more than I should be. I’ve always been heading in that same direction in life. It’s almost as if the future given the blood, sweat and tears spilled is assured to that point.
Where that point is…I can only hazard a guess.
Who knows…maybe I am a true soldier for the cause. I don’t have to arm myself with rifles and high explosives and run around screaming like a banshee to wipe the world clean of infidels…but I guess from what I’m really doing and working towards. It comes close doesn’t it?
That’s a scary thought when people know what I am doing in the first place.
Maybe that’s why it’s becoming clear to me that as much as I hate it, as much as I don’t want it. People like me will always be at the right place at the right time. Knowing only that there is no where else to go but towards a goal we have to finish. Not for just for ourselves but for a reason bigger than any of us alone could hope for. Not because we believe in it, not because we want to spread the word, not because we are touched by a divine presence.
But because we know it needs to be done.
Looking at it all, maybe she is a soldier for the cause as well. I don’t know. She doesn’t call to You like I do, but she still walks that lonely road to somewhere. She may be as fallen as I once was…she probably is right now. I just hope You give her the same reason to live as You have given me. The same faith in a cause worth fighting for…worth dying for.
She needs it.
She deserves it.
For all that she has endured and all that she has done.
You know she deserves it.
Maybe in the end…You’ll give us that chance for us to finish it together. Maybe in the end, You’ll let us be free of the responsibilities we were bound to individually. Maybe in the end, You’ll give us a chance to start a life worth living together.
I can only hope.
After all…that’s all I have for now.