As I sit here on my bed. I can’t help but ponder. Do I always try to hard? I always told you I was insecure about myself. You always know what a worry wart I am. You also know what a pretender I am. Makes you wonder if I’m better than you at hiding. Makes you wonder what I could do when you least expect it.
Kinda keeps you on your toes doesn’t it?
Believe me…being a pretender is the last thing on my mind, but we all do what we had to do…to survive. You know it. You do it as well. But that’s beside the point.
Maybe I try so hard because I want to prove just how capable I am…at least in my own way. I know I can never be as funny as other people. I can never have that social knack that people have. I know all I have is what I set out to do and use anything that I need to get to where I want. Sometimes I forget that I’m still human as well…until I wake up.
Wake up realising I have no safety net.
I’m just so damn scared. Scared I can’t measure up to people. Scared that all my efforts to make it good on my own and my own way won’t cut it with people. It’s ok that people belittle me now…but it’s the end result which I’m working for, which I’m doing all that I can to succeed. Do you know what that means to me? What that feels like? To be so scared that you fall short of succeeding in all you worked for?
Maybe that’s why you know I work too hard. Maybe that’s why I’m always so hard on myself. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to lose all that I know will work out. I want to make sure the prize in the end is worth it all…worth the price that has been paid.
It’s just sad that sometimes the very thing that can make you succeed can be the instrument of its failure. Like a scapel that can cut you as well as be the instrument that heals. Sometimes I don’t know when to stop. When to let to go along by myself. You know it…you know it better than me. You’re good at making things go with the flow. Something I can’t really do.
It eats me up piece by piece.
All I can say is this…of all the things I have done, am doing and will do. Of all the work I have put in, am putting in and will put in. Of all the failures, successes, joys and pains that envelope everything past, present and the future.
Is there room enough for me to let things be?