I Doubt You’d Read This But…

Sometimes I take a look at my blood family and realise…”No…this isn’t me. I’m the black sheep. I’m apart from them, they won’t understand“. Then again sometimes I take a look at one cousin and think there is hope if you could call it hope. After all…some of that blood that runs through her, also runs through me.

I know that pain…I’ve seen that pain…I’ve lived that pain. That haunted look in the eyes. That aura of self imposed silence of pain. You know it well. You’ve lived it through and through. To be cynical, but not yet jaded. You’ve lived through so much pain at an age so young. You’ve been denied the completeness of a true family. So unlike…but yet alike. You’re so young at heart…but yet no longer a child.

I know those moves. I’ve done those moves. I still do those moves. To move away from the pain an inch at a time. To bury youself in matters that hide your pain. To smile and laugh, to pretend it’s all ok. But your eyes…your eyes give it away. Your eyes…no longer hold the shine I once saw so long ago. So long ago when we were so young. When we played those many years ago. When you always followed me like a duckling to a mother duck. Those eyes are long gone. I miss them.

I know those questions. I know those hows and whys. I’ve asked those questions in my sleep. I could never answer thouse questions…neither could you. I’ve cried those tears and so have you. I remember you shed those tears on my shoulder that year. Shed those tears and asked me why. Why did it have to happen? How could he have forsaken you so? You are of his blood, but yet…he has forsaken you. You are his but yet he doesn’t claim you. Why has he left you behind? What have you done wrong? Why? Why?

All I could do was to offer you my shoulder. All I can ever do is offer you my hand. The same blood may run through your veins and mine…but we are connected through that pain. Through that silent unasked, unanswered questions we cry to no one. Through the solitude we impose on ourselves. Through the worlds we build to protect ourselves. We are more family than just blood.

I know you will persevere. I know you will come out stronger than you went in. You are facing but the abyss. But you are facing it with pride and dignity. There is no shame in facing your own demons by yourself and failing. Many have tried…but you will succeed in the end. You’ll always have me to back you up. Ok maybe not always…but when you most need it. When you most need that shoulder, that hand…I’ll be there.

After all…we’re family. Bonded by spilt blood and tears. When all else fails…all we have is ourselves…and each other. I’ll always be watching. You can count on that. You know you always have…

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