I know I said I don’t have anything to blog, but I realised that there is something I can put down for everyone to hear. Maybe it’ll do some good for whoever is out there that feels the same way. It may not be inspirational…but hey…it just came to me in a dull flash and I’m writing from thought here.
It hurts to be alone. That’s no secret. It hurts so much to stand at the edge of what you’re doing and not being able to touch it. It hurts to do the things you want to do and not have anyone to share it with. It just hurts to be surrounded with what you want and not being able to have it for yourself because in where you are…
There is nothing for yourself.
Maybe it’s PMS for me. Maybe it’s the realisation of my presence in this country finally catching up. But whatever the case is…I suddenly feel isolated and cut off from the world around me. It feels like all the inspiration and life that I have come to rely on has run dry and that the worse thing isn’t that I have no one to talk to.
It’s that I have no one to listen to.
I know…I know it’s odd…but I’ve come to depend on listening to the days you bring to me. Some may call it senseless details. Some may call it ranting and raving. Some may even call it constant whinning.
I however call it music to my ears.
You know I’m a terrible conversationalist. You know that for a fact. There is no way I can sensibly start a conversation without making a complete fool of myself. It’s always listening with me. You know how that works. I could listen hours on end to just whatever people need to get off their chest never saying a word…just…nodding, smilling and scrunching my face when issues call for it.
I give more than my fair share of opinions once I know what’s been staked down…and that’s all I can say about it. I can’t talk crap even if my life depended on it. I get nervous when I do start trying to talk crap because I’m self-conscious enough to be scared I’ll botch up.
But with you…with you, I know what to talk. I know what to do. Hell…I know what to joke about, which is an act of God by itself. You know even now I’m just beginning to get used to being casual at talking. You know I’m getting better at it. You know why? Because of you. You gave me much to listen to. You gave me much to know. You gave me much to be inspired from. You gave me much to feel from.
You gave me much to be alive.
Now…I feel cut off from that.
I feel alone that it just hurts so much to not constantly hear it. It hurts so much to not have people to listen to…much less people to talk to. It hurts so much to feel left out of everything I know I won’t be by your side. It hurts so much to be cut off from everything that not even anyone can hear that dull scream against the metaphysical walls of solitude.
I try…I try so hard to not feel sad or melancholic. I try so hard to just reach out…but the truth is…I can’t do that without you really tugging me. I don’t have the amount of friends that watch out for you, nudging you to do the right thing or stay focused. None at all like what you have. All I have is you to show me that. All I have is a handphone has no use but only to remind me of the many reminders you carefully set for me. All I have is you that I can only call out to. All I have is you to share my life with.
All I have is me to give to you.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll figure something out. Maybe I’ll figure something out next week. But all I can say is what I’m feeling right now at this moment.
I wish to God you were here. I wish that you could just hold me tight in your arms and let me fall asleep there. I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning knowing that you’re there beside me to tell everything about what you’re going to do today and what you did last night (which is redundant because we were together last night…but I don’t care anyway). I wish I was there to smile at you our smile to tell you that everything is perfect. I wish that I could poke your nose the way I always do it and see you squirm ever so cutely while hiding that sweet smile.
I wish I could stand with you right now.
Even if it is just for a little while.
I just don’t want to be alone.
Not ever again.