I know I know…I’ve been slacking off with my blog these past couple of weeks and to top it off for the more faithful of you who have been visiting my site, my domain just happened to expire. Maybe it’s a small complication for some people. But to me…let’s just say it came at a time when I really needed an outlet to vent…or at least talk to someone about it.
What can I say?
This is my life.
Things happen the way they happen exactly as they happen. I can’t run away from it and I certainly can’t hide from it. People like us have a saying which is to take your problem one step at a time. Unfortunately my advice can only seem to go so far for me as all my issues pile up on me at one go threatening to squeeze every bit of willpower I have to keep going on. And being in my position of psysical isolation right now.
I fear I am on the loosing battle.
It isn’t about the fact I can’t handle my problem because sure enough…I got the money and the means to re-register for my domain again right? I mean…I did spend 71 hours straight finishing a literature review right? I managed to get my bills paid and all my classes registered for. I still have enough money to last me a few more weeks. Just as I tell everyone else that asks me. Everything is just fine.
Everything is just fine…on the outside.
Then there is something about what goes on the inside that really scares me. How desperately my mind clings on to reality not sure if the next day I wake up will be a day I wake up being myself. How every voice screams and tears at me threatening to take away a piece of my own self because we’re all so tired. Tired of always having to be standing alone without anyone to be there to hold you and just take away part of all that pain. Tired of always having to be strong all the time for myself and for others.
Tired of holding on to things that aren’t there just so I can stay sane.
Yet…here I am. With nothing more than a few physical scars to show for. I am still here. Still soldiering on like a person with a personal conviction that he cannot change. I’m still here with the few shreds of my will keeping my shattered self together like a frankenstein monster of the mind. Twisted, battered and isolated from the world. Tormented by the pain of his own existence yet finding no reason to end it.
Dispite it all…I still stand here.
Doing what I always do.
Enduring what I always have.
I still stand here…at the gates of heaven.
Waiting for all of it to be over.