I’m Not A Sado-Masochist…

It is the feeling we’re most familar with. It is something that we will always come face to face from the moment we are born to the moment we die. It is the single most powerful feeling in our lives. It is the single most redefining feeling in our lives. It can change the very world we live in

It is none other than pain.

I don’t know…for me at least…it has always been part of my world. From the blood that drips from these arms, to the empty lost feeling of anguish. So much pain that I not only see a world full of it…I have become…apathic towards it. It no longer bothers me to feel pain, to see pain and even to cause pain. It doesn’t bother me at all.

That much left of my humanity I have.

That still doesn’t mean I don’t feel it myself. There are days when it’s all I can feel. There are days when my head swims in its torment enough that I wish I did die that split second of my life. There are days when I feel like my chest is collapse under the sheer weight of the concequences of my actions.

There are days where I have to bleed to let it out.

I don’t know. All I know is that it’s normal for me to be wrapped up in this world of endless echoes and personall hells. It’s normal to go every day of my life with feeling that would cause my eventual heart attack in 15 years. All I can do is what I’ve been doing all this while anyway.

Live with it.

When it comes to what’s real. Whether a cut or a disappointment…pain is just the reaction to whatever we are facing. Pain is just the face that covers the life we’re living. Just the object of our expression. In any case…I’m not asking you to do something about the pain. We can’t…pain is always there. The only way to get rid of it is to change the past. Good luck on that one.

No…I’m asking you to appreciate it for what it is.

Appreciate it as a defining feeling in your life. Something you can learn and grow by never to repeat the mistakes again. Something to make you stronger as a person both physically and mentally. Appreciate it as a force that drives us to higher things to never face it again. Appreciate it as part of love where it burns is most fiercely. Appreciate it’s subtle caresses and forceful trauma.

Appreciate it for making you who you are.

Right now…that’s all I can do. That’s all that I can tell myself. I want to write more. I want to write so much. But I can’t. I can’t because it really hurts. It claws and rakes so much…like nothing I have previously felt before. Like something inside is threatening to explode splattering the bits and pieces of my insides to the surrounding decor.

That’s my pain.

That’s my torment.

That’s something I have to live with for the rest or my life.

There is no other way to it.

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