You know your personal life is seriously screwing up your train of thought when random songs you find tend to whisk you away into a state of melancholy that is slowly becoming your habitual frame of mind. For God's sake, it's been like 4-5 months since my…untimely seperation her.

Yet these lyrics nail me in the chest at the moment I realised what they are.

Once upon a time we fell in love.
And I thought that I would be the only one.

Lost in your arms baby,
Lost in your arms.

It's not enough that I'm distracting myself by keeping busy doing things to occupy my mind even if it's a sleepless night on it. It's not enough that I spend the other remainder of my free time in the company of people whom I would think I am in my best behavior especially when it comes to women.

It's not enough.

Because I then look at these hands and immediately flashback to a time when these were the hands that held her in utter peace and contentment. When there was a future to a life that made sense rather than the confusing war we fight day after day. When there was a world built on making dreams come true rather than the hellish nightmare that we wake up to.

The hellish nightmares I can never seem to escape from.

It seems to matter not to know what goes on inside when people stand there unable to do or say anything else to make it all better. Because as long as everyone accepts that laughter and smile on the outside, then I suppose that's good enough for everyone's sake as far as they are willing to care for.

As sad as that may be.

That is part of the nightmare I have to fight to keep sanity in check from every single waking moment.

Damn…I seriously need to do more to distract myself. I need something more cheerful in my life to wake up to. if this keeps up…I don't think I can keep my sanity for very long under all these false pretenses of cheer and smiles. That good a pretender I am not. That's something best left to the other person.

The one I still miss.

The one I see in my mind past the waking dark.