Now I finally remembered what I dreamt last night. I’ve been wracking my brain the entire morning trying to remember what was going through my head last night. No I haven’t been drinking…just that…I was alone in my room because my room mate was spending time with his girlfriend who had just arrived here yesterday in another room. I was trying very hard not to be melancholic like I promised you.
I guess my subconsious knew better.
Anyway…I was on this island. Which surprisingly looked alot like that from the movie Castaway. Wait a minute…I think it WAS Castaway. I was on the island, I had no where to go and I couldn’t get out. I was trapped in a place surrounded by trees and rocks and for a brief moment I was happy. I was happy that I had no one to fight against. I was happy that no responsibilities to finish I was happy because I had no one to report to but myself.
Of course…things like that don’t often last.
I also had nothing to do. I felt lonely. I felt isolated. I felt like I slowly spiralling down the end of a rope to an uncertain abyss of solitude. I also remembered what kept me alive. You. Yeah…now I know why it felt like Castaway. He didn’t stop at nothing to get back to civilisation and to the woman he loves. I realised there and then that the only reason why I’m alive and why I have to keep on living is that I have to do whatever it takes to be with you.
Somehow this is where the dream gets a bit wierd. I find use the bed that’s in my home which for some reason I didn’t know I constructed and used it as a sail for home. The sea was felt even worse. I didn’t dream of feeling seasick. I felt that sickening closed isolation. I felt the great endless expanse of the sea and felt so closed…so…claustrophobic, like I was kept in a small box in a formless void. I felt despair.
I felt like it could never end.
Then I thought of you.
I suddenly knew I had to go on. I knew what to do. I knew where to go. I knew where I was headed. I didn’t know what but I knew where you were and I didn’t stop at nothing to get there. Emptiness be damned. I realised that emptiness isn’t forever. Emptiness is never forever. As long as there is a reason. As long as there is a purpose for breathing. A purpose for surviving. A purpose to live on. Nothingness is an empty illusion.
Then I found myself curled up in your room. I found myself resting on your lap. I felt you stroke my hair. I felt you kiss my forehead. I felt you pull me closer and whispered the sweet nothings you always whispered. I opened my eyes and saw the most beautiful sight to behold.
By that I knew it wasn’t the same. As far as islands of solitudes go…I could be free of the endless struggle. I could be free of the responsibility that we all face. I could be free of the endless drones I have to face. But I would never find the peace I have as I felt in your arms. I could never find the freedom to close my eyes and feel as if the universe made sense as I did with you by my side.
I could never find in myself the reason to live as I found in you.
When I woke up, for that brief moment…I thought I was back home. I was back in your room with you by my side. That you’d wake up and I would see your all too pounty face when you wake up too fast sometimes. That I could pull you closer and snuggle underneath the blankets against the cool air outside.
Then again…I had nothing to wake up to but an empty room and the cool morning air. I remembered that I was here. I was here so far away. Far away in this giant island of solitude. Far away from that which I love. Far away from my reason of peace.
I know I have to survive. I know I have to keep livng the best I can live. I know that there is a purpose of me going on. I know that there is a bed I can finally find peace in. I know there are arms that I can lie down to. I know that there is a person waiting for me. There is a reason to make a difference.
There is always a hope. No matter how far you are from it. There is always a reason in the end.
I know where I’m going.
I know what I’m doing all this for.
If it’s to wake up in your arms again.
It’ll all be worth it.
No island can keep me away from that.