It’s amazing how one phone call to the person you still love can make you feel so many things at once. It’s something about that person that still makes you wish that you weren’t so stupid in the first place to be the cause of an end because at the end of it all, what you’re left with is the big hole where your bleeding heart still is. And for every reason I have…
I miss every moment I spent with her.
It’s hard enough to maintain a decent conversation when you feel as if your word are stuck at your throat every time you talk to her as a normal friend. It’s hard enough to think straight when your heart skips a beat everytime she says something that reminds you of who you both were before. It’s hard to keep focus when your stomach clenches everytime she mentions her new beau who is taking the place you took before.
Yeah, it’s hard and it hurts.
Because no matter what it is…I can’t convince myself otherwise that I still love her.
She’s far from perfect, that I know well enough. But I love the way she used to rely on me when she got insecure. I love the way she can solve people’s problems as efficiently as I do. I love the way she can get really dark and malicious. I love the way she makes things work and finishes what she starts no matter what.
I love the way she inspires me to be more than I can ever be alone.
To fill in the parts I could never be as a person.
So it isn’t helping either that for SOME reason…life has recently decided to introduce me to someone who has so much in common with her…and as always to further rub it in my face that that person also belongs to another. No, it doesn’t help at all that I feel the twinge of loss everytime I am reminded the qualities that made me happy as a person.
That made me whole as a human being.
Then I suppose I would always feel for her the same way that I would feel for no one else. The kind of feeling that inspires the till-death-do-you-part speech. It’s not enough that time cannot erase the feelings as much as I cannot stop remembering everything that I had and lost. In a way it’s a good thing.
Mistakes are meant to be remembered as so the future does not suffer it’s fate.
If I can’t move away from the thoughts of her, then at least let me move along with the thoughts of her. It’s another way of moving on. Admittedly not the best way to live my life, but given all that I have to hold right now in these dark nights by the window.
It’s the only way I can move on.
Feelings or not.
You got to keep moving.