I think I know what’s making this cold a little worse for wear. The weather. Suddenly jumping from a 20-22 degree spring feeling to a blistering 33-34 dry heat in 4 days isn’t exactly good for your body. Though I didn’t notice it much because I was too busy feeling sick about myself…plus the fact this body is more used to heat than it is to cold anyway.
But still…my voice still sounds like I ate a frog and my nose is still running a marathon.
Don’t get me started on the constant headaches.
But I figure at this rate…I’m going to be leading a very very dull existence altogether. This isn’t living. This is like being one of the constant flies that buzz around here not knowing what is going to happen next. Moving aimlessly from one person to another in the heat trying to avoid being eaten by birds and spiders.
Fighting isn’t enough unless I know what I’m fighting for.
Ok, I know she’s a goal…but that’s all in due time. I do as much as she would allow me to…which at this moment is not much at all…but like I said that takes time. I know as much about other things than I do about my love life, so as Anita Blake would say…let’s leave this for now and concentrate on something else.
Then there is my work here. There are nights i constantly wonder whether or not it’s going to be worth all the effort to go through with the life plan I set myself to. Yes I know…it’s my plan, I’ve gone too far to start having a crisis of faith in the cause, but looking at the people I’m always with, the only one holding that torch for a future is…well…me. It’s hard to hold something for so long without resting. It’s even harder when you’ve been constantly hit by things that weaken you from within.
Like what already happened.
An old flame and friend told me last night that I should take a step back and rest before I carry on my battles. She does have a point on this. Yes of course I should have a vacation, there is nothing more than I want right now than a step back from everything. But…I can’t. I don’t have that luxury of resting at this time. I don’t have the people who would hold the ground while I’m up recuperating. The last time I did that…things DID go to hell. So no…I’ve learnt my lesson.
Soldiers are always soldiers and I can’t lie down because I’m hurt.
But there has to be more than the end goal to carry on fighting. That’s my problem. I know what it means to live and I know what it means to survive. I don’t want to carry on surviving…if I did…I would have taken a 9-5 job in some cubicle somewhere. It’s easier to get than the hell I’ve been through anyway. It’s just sad to be given a slice of heaven and being cast away from it.
Now I really feel like a fallen angel.
Still carrying out the task we were meant to do but in the absence of the bliss you lived by.
Whether I would find a reason more to fight…time would tell on that one. Maybe…maybe the real reason hasn’t changed at all. It’s just buried with all the pain and frustration that I’ve been walking along. As far as I know…at this point in time, there is no rhyme or reason to do the things I do. I do them simply because they have to be done.
No questions asked.
No passion to heart.
Just the cold methodical hand of a living machine.
Doing all it can to finish what it started.