Why do we do the things we do? Why do we push ourselves to do the things we sometimes we don’t like doing? Why do we like doing the things we sometimes do anyway? Why do we pick the road we walk on in spite of ourselves? If I had the answer to every one of those questions.
I doubt I would even be in this plane of reality.
I’ve been talking to people recently. I mean really talking as civil as a mid afternoon tea and crumpet can even though I’m pouring my heart out as they are themselves. I wouldn’t say we’re the most suitable candidate for carthesis or whatever that emotional release is called. It’s just people who’ve had tough lives. People who were born in darkness. Who see nothing but darkness to begin with.
You’d expect things to be more depressing being who we are…but…maybe darkness has its own light. It’s one thing to talk to people who have had good lives to start out with. It’s another to know people who understand exactly what you’re talking about.
Why do we do it?
Sometimes we can’t help ourselves. Anyone else that was born in that darkness would know that we are as sceptical and paranoid as we come. We doubt the good things that happen in our lives as much as we doubt our own sense of self worth. We’ve lived in that pain for so long, sometimes we forget that there is more to life that that pain..
But none of us like that pain. We do everything we can to escape it. We hide. We blame others. We sacrifice parts of ourselves. We hurt ourselves. We hurt others. We stand up to it.
Maybe I can say I’ve reached the point where I’m finally, absolutely, positively standing up to it.
The recent events talking made me realise that, there are people like me out there. Maybe with a different problem. Maybe with the same problem. In any case, the possible outcomes is that either no one would be willing to understand let alone listen to us. or those that do understand seem to have their own troubles to contend with.
That’s not something good when you put a face to it.
You wonder why we isolate ourselves in our own self imposed misery.
If you can’t understand why by now.
It’s hard to put it any clear than it already is.
Why do I do the things I do?
Because I understand that pain. I understand what it feels like to be alone where no one else would be willing to understand you enough to listen. I understand what it feels like to finally wake up and realise that there is no one there for you…not even your own reflection in the mirror. I understand the frustration of failure. I understand the pain of shattered hope.
I understand that darkness.
I’ve lived that darkness.
I still do live there.
I’m not going to sit here knowing that you’re going through something I’ve been going through either. I’m going to give you something I didn’t have. Something we all needed in the darkness. Something unfamiliar yet reassuring.
I’m going to give you a spark and a hand.
In spite of yourself. In spite of myself.
I’m going to give you the faith of another person in that darkness.
And I’m not one that would let go.