In times of great distress and changes, we all have to for once sit down and reflect the outcome of what’s happening. Take some time to sit down with yourself in a peaceful safe place and look at the big picture of things. Find out where you go from there. Find out what you need and what you want.
Find a place where you can start living again.
It’s not to say that what you’re doing is starting everything anew. No…that would be running away. No one really starts afresh again. We either carry the scars or memories we want to forget. Some of us…don’t even have the luxury of forgetting the past. It’s a gift and a curse we have to live with.
But all in all…we still are who we are and what life made us to become. No amount of fresh start is going to change what lies within. Every action we take whether new or not will still follow the same road of choices we took before. We’re just adding new experiences and new roads for us to take in the future.
Which is what it’s all about.
Some of us will work hard to forget we are hurting. Some of us will find excuses to walk away from our true feelings. Some of us may dwell on the words of books. Some of us may sit in front of the screen for hours on end. Some of us may rely on signs and mystical paraphernalia to guide us. Some of us may cry. Some of us will try and take their pain out on others. Some of us may keep writing their world down for others to see. Some of us may hurt ourselves.
Some of us may even die.
But until we take a step back and find out for sure what is missing in our lives and what we really want. Nothing will ever change (especially when you die…duh). We may always run away for the rest or our lives. We may always hurt ourselves for the rest of our lives. We will always be the same as we always were until we see the big picture of things and from there…put together the pieces of the life you want.
It all starts from knowing what you lost or what’s missing from you. It all starts from knowing where you stand and what could you give. It all starts from knowing who you are and what you can do.
I dwelt on the words of books and shows. I wrote my words down for the world to see. I sat in front of Sarah for hours on end. I even hurt myself.
And it changed nothing.
Save for the quote from a book which changed everything.
“There comes a point where you just love someone. Not because they’re good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn’t mean you’ll be together forever. It doesn’t mean you won’t hurt each other. It just means you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it.“
I know what I want because I am at that point. I know I have to find what’s missing in the life before I can truly live it. I pray that I can truly find what’s missing.
Even if I have to search the world for it.
I don’t want to lose the best person in the world for me.
And I don’t think she wants to lose me as well.
In spite of ourselves.
We still love each other.
We’re just too damn stubborn for our own good to keep it simple.