Needful Doubts…

Why I do keep putting off the things I need to do? I don’t get it. Here I am, viewed by most as a person that has everything in control, has everything he could possibly want. Yet…for some reason, I don’t feel inclined to do the things I should do. Do the things I have to do, to maintain all the things I have. Yet…I’m hoping that everything will work out like it always does…even if it isn’t by a last minute hand job…ok that sounded wrong for some reason.

But seriously…is that what I am? After all this time condemning rich spoilt people for being lazy slobs that don’t work for what they want. Am I becoming one of them too? Worse thought yet…have I always been one of them? Even with the road less taken…how much of me is carried by the weight of others? How much of what I’ve accomplished is by my own blood?

After running away from the cultural legacy of the race I bare so much resentment and scorn for…am I slowly sinking into the maws of its own self-depreciation? I realise that for what it’s worth…everything that I physically have…I worked little to get it…well…except for my computers…those I really worked hard to buy and maintain them. But the rest…unless there is a big catch somewhere that I never saw, I’m starting to doubt I payed as much blood as the people I know.

Fine…I’m not as good as the people I know. For as much as it’s worth…I often see those others as people who did their best and got everything without breaking a sweat. I got to 3/4 of where they are and I’m not sure if I did do my best. I know I’m putting in some effort…at times more than I possibly can. But if I step back and wane down what I do like what I’m doing now…not feeling like doing anything…would I STILL have that 3/4 of what they have? Or would I drop down…way down until I blink out of existance like the faceless dead?

So where does it leave me in my question? Nowhere…I still don’t know why I keep putting off the things I know I have to do. It’s always the case. I know somewhere along the line I’ll find a reason to come back on track…but not on the eve of one of the most important times of your life. I can’t have a crisis of principles when my finals are in two weeks and I’ve got assignments due.

That’s just not right. Either I find my way around this now…or I face the possibility of loosing out. Or worse…loosing myself.

So right now I’m going to drag my sorry ass and finish my assignment. That’s the least i can do without putting the rest of the needful things off. That’s the least I can do…

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