Surprisingly enough…I just realised something. For the past few months I’ve been suffering from repeated attacks of migranes. Some days it was just really bad. Bad enough for me to actually take leave from college and try and rest at home instead. But…yeah…I just noticed, these past few weeks…I haven’t had much attacks lately. Even if I did have one…it’s not as bad. It’s something I don’t take much notice it.
Which leaves me to a conclusion. The things I’ve been cutting loose from my life…are the ones actually giving me a headache. My my…what an interesting dignosis, My headache is actually stress related. I TOLD you I don’t have to go see the doctor so fast. I’ve still got to go for my medical checkup soon enough, I can see the doctor then. I’m fine…you don’t have to worry so much about me. I can fix these minor problems easily enough. You however…go see a doctor for YOUR headache. That’s a promise…:)
So I’ve got a few more exams to go before I’m done with this semester. As the date draws near for me to leave for Australia, part of me screams not to go. It’s not surprising anyway. I know it’s a new place mess about, new things to see…but that would mean sacrificing the things that I hold dear here. It may not be much…but it is enough.
It’s just like what Ben said before he left for Melbourne. How could I bear to leave the milo ais, the mee goreng, the hill I climb to reflect on, the 7 buck hair cuts, the pathetically cheap computer parts, the people I know and am comfortable with and the people who I never want to let go off. How could I leave all of that behind?
I sit here with the cold reality of it hanging on my shoulders because I can’t do anything about it. I don’t want to leave…for reasons of my own faith and sanity…I don’t want to spend the most important years of my life in a country I’m unfamiliar with. I want to laugh and smile at the stupid things we can only find here, wrinkle my forehead and bite my lip at the complexity of getting your stupid bacteria to grow, hold her up close and for once get sleep as peacefully as I can for the first time in my life…all because I’m home. My home. No where else but in the home I want to be. Not anywhere else.
Of course…I can’t concentrate on what I’m supposed to do if I keep holding myself back like that. So what do I do? The only thing I can do. Be Edward. Be person who I am, the person who I hate to be, the person I need to be. If there is some small empty abyss inside every person, that’s where I am. Because nothing can stop Edward from doing the things that need to get done. No being any less merciless and remorseful than Edward. If that means sacrifice the things I have to get to what’s important then so be him the vessel of its actions.
For all the things important. For all the things that need to be done. I just wished that some of it didn’t have to take the matters of the heart to finish it off. God it would have made things so much easier.
But we do what we have to do…and pay for it in its own way. So sad…