In a world full of doubt, in a world full of the cynical scrutiny that we have been enduring for so long. In the world full of the elements of illusion of choices, faith and expectation. We would expect that the greatest hindrance to where we go in life would be the external factors.
Money, geographical location, other people.
Truth is…in this whole mess of where it begins to go wrong begins from one source in life. The point where everything stops and begins at the same time. External factors be damned.
We are our own worst enemy.
I am my own worst enemy.
If there is one additional thing in life I fear other than being alone it’s the failure towards whatever I’m doing. It works mercilessly against you when you’re working towards trying NOT to be alone and then screwing it up anyway. It always happens. I push and push and push and then remember that people do break. When that happens…
It’s too late for me.
Over the years, this is the reason why I have lost people far and few between by my hand. Over the years I have kept too much to myself because I have learnt that none have the patience to sit through to listen. I’m isolated whether or not I choose to talk. In either case, the end result is always the same.
It’s either I pick the worst times to share with someone my burden…or I let it eat me inside.
So it leaves me here alone in this room, thinking of the future I want to create. Wondering if ever the mistakes I make would consume me in the end. Whether or not being so close to success that would crumble at the last moment, taken away by my inability to handle the endgame properly. Like a car that goes into a spin just before the finishing line because the driver pushed it too hard.
That’s as best metaphor I can put it in.
I don’t know. Everytime I promise myself that I won’t share my problems with people because it would damage the relationship. I screw up and tell them anyway. I always stop short of holding true to it because I want to believe so much that people can be patient enough to be there with me. I want to believe so much.
It hurts everytime life proves it to still be a dream.
I guess that’s why she succeeded where I fail. That’s why I guess I look up to her in that way. No one else I know could hold down so much pain in the face of so much torment for so long while still smiling. If there was a way to reach that point…I know I’d have to work towards it.
Certainly no bitching about it.
No one likes a confidante who starts to talk about their own problems.
No one likes to see the person they care for cry either.
No one likes it when you fail at both rules.
Certainly when I broke them.