This morning it hit me with a bang. I have about one more week to go before I step back into the comforts of my own home. One more week before I come back to a future that I am uncertain of. In most people’s cases it would be a happy thing to return to their own home being away for so long.
But…I don’t know.
I would be lying if I say I wasn’t dreading the return trip home.
I know she doesn’t blame me as well.
It’s one thing to be afraid of the unknown. It’s one thing to be afraid of the pain that comes with loss. It’s one thing to be afraid of being alone and isolated from the person you care for the most. It’s one thing to be afraid of all those…but it’s another thing to stop living your life because you are surrounded by a world of uncertainty.
As much as you keep telling yourself all that.
It doesn’t make it any easier.
It just makes it all the more reasonable to push on.
We all know that life goes on whether we like it or not. We all know that life doesn’t stop in the place of our despair and abject misery. Life doesn’t give a hoot on who lives or who dies. Life just keeps ticking by. It’s either we tick along with it…or we don’t. But seriously…would you spend the rest of your life moving along with time…facing the uncertainly of unknowns that would give you equal amounts of joy and misery?
Or would you spend the rest of your life tripping over the leftovers of time trying to catch up with a life you could have had if you didn’t shut yourself from the world?
That seems to be my only reason I tell myself that makes sense enough for me to come home. I know I’ve got alot to work on. I’m not saying that it’ll even work. But all I’m saying is that somewhere in that uncertain future…there is the possibiility that things will work out for the better. Even if it’s a lie to myself…since when have I backed out because people say it’s impossible?
The entire pupose of my life is built on the impossible notions and romantic dreams.
Yet…for some brief moments…they do come true.
If I stop now in trying to get what I want. I might as well stop everything in my life because nothing is going to happen. Nothing happens unless you’re willing to sacrifice something for it. Even if it’s your own heart, your own health, your own sanity. If that means living the rest of your life holding on to what you cherish and care for the most.
Forget the uncertainty. Forget the fear. Forget all the pain.
Concentrate on what matters the most.
Why you survive till this day.
Why you never stopped living every second of your life.
Why you will taste your slice of heaven in the end.