Ever had things on your mind that was is just so surreal? Like you know its there…but just for once your mind refuses you acknowledge it? The thought or thoughts are caught between full realisation and a dream-like state. I guess it happens to all of us…especially in very troubled times. Death of someone close, something bad that happens to us…hell even something good too provided its near…miraculous or just something that we don’t think will happen.
Yesterday I was pretty much like that…but it’s nothing too troubling. I guess it’s the fact most of the day cooped up in my room handling my case study can do that…especially in this heat. I mean first I saw all my problems…then…I heard voices. It can be a very bad thing when ANYONE starts hearing voices in their heads…even me. First it’s like background noise…then loud whispers. It’s been a long time since I heard those voices. Usually they come to me when I’m extremely bored…not while I’m doing work. Maybe I was bored doing work? Ho hum…
Somtimes I wonder what if I could just lose all that was holding me back from those voices. How much humanity would be left in me then? Would I suddenly be one of those serial killers that society rarely sees but often fears? Or would I be something worse…far worse…like politics…:) But seriously, I know somehow…I have very little conscience left. So what’s stopping me from wanting to do the things I want to do? They are days when I wonder if all that falls between civility and pure insanity is a fine thread of logic and practicality. To not do things because I know they are more trouble than they are worth and that it’s not in the best interests of people…not because it’s right or wrong.
That’s a scary thought isn’t it. To know it’s not your conscience that holds you back…but whether it benefits you or not. What happens when I decide it benefits me? Pray to your Gods that day never happens…such a day would be very very surreal indeed.