Something To Have Been…

Anger, rage and fury. I almost forgotten what that was like. I almost forgotten that it was part of me. I almost forgot that it would always be a part of me. I forgot that it is something I would use to chase away the air of melancholy and give me a piece of my own self back.

It’s time to take hold of it.

Before it kills me.

A friend’s dream reminded me of just that. The fact that we can’t forget we’re still animals inside. We still have that primal rage within us. To have sex, to bleed and to die. It’s natural for us. Animals don’t feel the range of emotions that we do. Animals do what they HAVE to do to survive.

Why can’t we?

Sometimes it can be disturbing to say the least. Maybe because I haven’t thought of it in a long long time on my own free will. Everytime I close my eyes, I can see the blood splashed on the walls and ground. I can see my fists caked in blood. I can see the barring of my canine teeth. I can see the bodies that lie before my feet. I can see the blood flow around my feet as it squeezes the last life out of the person’s chest…very slowly.

I can see my eyes.

I can see my smile.

How it used to be.

This isn’t taking life in an art form. No…this is in its true form. What we were before all this technological and cultural evolution came and took it all away. We should fear it…maybe that’s what it’s supposed to be. That part of our brain that told our ancestors to fear the dark of the night.

But at this point I don’t.

That dark of the night is here in all of us. That dark of the night is here for a reason. That dark of the night is here to chase away the all the things that are useless. All the things that we don’t need to survive. To boil it down to a simple equation.

Kill or be killed.

So yes. When I close my eyes, that’s what I see and what I see I don’t fear. I welcome in open arms. Welcome it to chase away the things that make me weak. The things that hurt me. The things that eat away at me. I will spill blood again. Oh I will definitely spill blood.

This time it won’t be mine.

Then I would look into the mirror and see those eyes.

Even if it is with pure malice and feral blood.

This time I would smile again.

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