Standing At The Door…

Why is it when you try so hard to move ahead with something good on your own terms, someone comes along and takes it all away without seemingly any effort? Why is it some people are blessed with all the things that the rest of us work so desperately hard to accomplish on our own grounds?

Money.

Brains.

Influence.

All of the above.

Sometimes I would stay awake at night asking myself where I went wrong. Sometimes I would ask myself wouldn’t it be easier for me if I didn’t continuously be around people who are born with a silver platter in their mouth. Didn’t hang with people who didn’t need to sweat while doing complex calculations. Stay away from people who are of great social influence. Would it be easier for me to do such a thing?

I don’t know.

I don’t know why some people say I’m lucky. In that case I know people who’d probably have been touched by the hand of God. I have a friend whom can consider doing his Phd in Oxford or Cambridge and who’s girlfriend is coming here this weekend for three weeks from Malaysia. My own attemps of building my social bonds are outdone his influence of character. My room mate’s girlfriend is coming here on the same day too. I’ve got a dorm mate who’s fiance is staying in the same dorm and not surprisingly he too has a silver platter considering the black beemer he owns.

It’s hard not bear some form of jealousy for people who seem to have it all…and I know alot of people who have it all. People who grew up with good parents. People who are blessed with a natural charm and never lifted a finger to have friends. People who know how to have a good time. People take for granted things I only dream of getting.

I’ve surrounded myself with people who are successful in their own right.

Then why is it I’m torn from the girl I love? Then why is it I’m always short of money? Why is it I’m forced to stay here while people go back and see their home or the ones they love? Why is it I always have to read more and work more to do things at the same level as others? Why is it that I have to work to make friends when others don’t? Why is it I’m always known for what I can do but never for who I am?

Why do I always have to stand by the door never being let in?

I’m tired. I’m weary. Sometimes I wish that I could build on some 15 minutes of fame people always have 24 hours a day. Sometimes I dream of blood that would drown the world by my own hand. But mostly…I wish I could just chuck all that I want to do and want to become and just lie down and snuggle forever in your arms.

I’m tired of being haunted of my own inadequacy. I’m tired of being haunted by feelings of insecurties. I’m tired of being the last to reach where others have already been. I just want to take all this jealousy and frustration and shape myself into something I can call an equal. I just want to know what I’m good at doing for once that no one can pull up to.

I just want to be involved and not be left out.

Is that too much to ask for one lone soldier?

Is it too much to ask for a little happiness?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *