One thing that’s very strange with the entire situation I’m in so far. If I’m comfortable in the environment I’m in, then why am I so nervous about alot of things? I can take the workload…sort off…at least not without a fair bit of stress and time management, but that comes with the job and I’m used to that. I’ve got a decent social life here, I’ve got friends, respect for my unusual ideals and I’ve got a love of my life who’s always beside me. Alright sure…there is no one I can do my helping out bit…except for this person…and this other guy. But they are friends, I can’t count them in as people I help in my normal sort of way. In fact I haven’t had time to do what I do best, help people.
Maybe it’s this whole equilibrium thing. One minute you’re helping people until you have no time for yourself. Next you have all the work to yourself that you don’t have time to help others. It’s like the opposing extremes, which anyone knows is definitely not good for life. Or maybe it’s the fact that deep down I can’t accept that life can suddenly be this good without it’s own sense of equilibrium. Meaning that if we have happiness…then bad things are sure to follow and that’s what my primitive mind is trying to wake up to. The eternal suffering that we all face.
Either way…I still have no absolute idea why I have this gut feeling why something is not right. Even if the fact bad things happen, it’s because we can’t do enough to keep what’s good. I sure understand that part of reality. Maybe subconsciously I’m trying to screw things up…now that would be a bad thing indeed. I think I need a little time alone to talk with myself. Find out what my other half has to say of all this. If I’m really trying to make my own life difficult for me, there must be a reason why. Besides, I haven’t had a talk with my other half in a long time. Maybe that’s the problem.
Whatever it is…I still feel this chill…and the creepiest thing is that it’s not because of the weather.