A few days ago I was talking about the fact that being a sociopath means for the most part being without guilt, without remorse for our actions. You do things because they need to be done regardless of the outcome towards others. As long as the job gets done and the end justifies the means. Such actions carry a heavy price even for the person who commits those actions…for what part of ourselves do we have to carve out to do the things out of sheer necessity?
They say that the eyes are the window to the soul, a glimpse into the parts of ourselves that makes us all the more human. What if you looked into the eyes of another and saw nothing. Not a shred of joy, not a hint of sadness…just nothing. A gaping hole where the conscience is supposed to be. The cold place where you go to do the things no one can do without a sleepless night. What would you do? How would do when that those are the reflections in the mirror are your eyes?
There are days now when I would ask myself at what point in my life did I carve my own heart out and leave it on the floor? I never really did bother to ask myself that question until now. It’s ironic how life systematically finds the weakest parts of you and exploits it. Making you question yourself for the choices you previously made, in effect second guessing every future decision you make. How could I place myself in a position where I can get myself into unecessary trouble? There shouldn’t be any room to have a crisis of conscience…not at this time. Not ever.
But the realisation of it is I’m in it. I cannot turn back time and change what’s been done. I have to make do with what I have even if it means playing myself for the fool. It’s the not the wish that I would have a heart to have…its the wish that I would have a heart to give. Give the one person I care for because if it’s not love…then its damn close until I can’t tell the difference.
But I hold on to no illusions. Sooner or later she’s going to realise how much a monster I am. When that day comes…I just wish that I haven’t gone too far over into the abyss. Some things deserve more than just practicality…