Another day, another sleepless night. I don’t know where all of this energy is coming from. I know it’s over. I know…officially…at the surface it’s over and I’m single once again. Then again, at the back of mind…there is that stubborn feeling that I know things will work out the way it’s supposed to be.
Then again…I’m always an optimist.
In all the times that relationships have ended for me, this would have to be the worst. This would have to be the coup de grace on my sense of self. Or at least a self I know was human. All I can afford to look to right now is to be a soldier to the cause I always served. All I can be is humble myself to life’s depressing thumb.
It’s funny if it wasn’t sad.
This relationship was in essence one that gave me a reason to love, a reason more than one that I know to do what I need to do. It gave me a sense of life beyond the mere existance of simply doing things because they had to be done. I know a person who always would always never say never in situations like this.
Then I always gave advices better than taking them.
Maybe things have changed. Before…what I would have wanted was some form of self-pity and I would know how to get it as well. Then again…that’s not what I need right now. I need to do something, I need to laugh, I need to stop crying. This kinda of pain has taken it’s last tear from me. I will not so easily crumble at the feeling of solitude and isolation as I did before.
Yes it definitely has changed.
In the line that I work in, I’ve seen countless people jump back from the bad end eventually after months of pain and self torment. I guess that kinda started early ever since I got here. What can I say…my mind works fast. So yeah, why not start now? I have all I need to get back on my feet anyway.
I have myself and that big gaping hole where my conscience used to be. I know I’ve neglected it recently…but at least I have a place to shove all that pain, frustration and despair and let some good come out of it. If eyes are the windows the soul, then yeah…no one is home on my account. If I have to smile again…it would be the only way to do it. If I have to do anything at all, it would have to be with the cold precision I once was, because happiness on a superficial level doesn’t come for the soldiers. It never does.
It’s either you appreciate the bleeding pain or you run screaming.
No brownie points for guessing what I picked.
There is still alot of ground to cover though. Alot of ties to mend. Alot of parts to carve out inside. Maybe you’ll find the reason to love me again. Maybe you won’t. All I know is…that future is always uncertain because it takes two to commit. It takes two to love. When you’re ready to stop running. Maybe when you’re ready to find your way back to a home you told me you found peace in.
I’ll always be standing by that door waiting.
You always will have the keys to my life.
But my future and the future I am to make…this is certain.
I’ve still got a quarry to catch.
I’ve still got lives to save.
I still have a future to never forget.