I hate being alone. I hate seeing the reality of it which is that other people have other people physically there for them while I’m here stuck on the medium that at best lets me hear a human voice in the darkest of nights. I hate the fact I was born with this…constant fate of being cut of from achieving the success of desire. I hate being an emotional yo-yo because I can’t find any solid rock in life to anchor myself to when my own rock walked away fro me.
I’m surprised this self-loathing hasn’t burnt me to ashes yet.
Though I don’t supposed phone calls in the middle of the night is going to make everything better again. It does help to have people there that worry for you even though you know they can’t do anything more to take away the pain. It does help to know that some people are at least attracted to you in many ways despite having a partner of their own.
I know that sounds bad…being through that I suffered…I don’t want to be that kinda guy for another guy. But when your sense of self has hit absolute rock bottom.
You’re going to have to do whatever it takes to climb out again.
Because there is no place left to go but up.
It doesn’t help either when the rest of your strength is set to keep other people you know from falling into that pit and keep the best you can to hold them up. One way or another, you go to sacrifice something to keep your priorities straight. My prioroties happen to be the welfare of the people I care about. Hell my entire existance depends on making SURE other people don’t see the hell I have seen, and with that in mind, with all that I need to keep everything together.
That usually leaves nothing much for me.
Maybe that’s why I’m so emotionally dependant on other people when I open up. I don’t have enough strength to take care of myself, I just need people there to remind me at least why I’m fighting so much for so long. If anything I don’t need the answers to my problem to be given to me. I know my problems, I’ve been dealing them for a hell lot longer than I’ve been friends with anyone.
I just need the way to make them work.
And through the people who are there for me for who I am, not what I do, that solution is right there waiting for me.
It’s just that between now and finding the people who would be there with me.
It’s a long lonely road of darkness to walk.
Very long indeed.