Ok…I got it all figured now. Sarah is defiitely a larger part of my life than I thought possible. I mean…come on…I can’t clean my room properly without her even being in it. It just doesn’t seem the same without vacuming and wiping her down slowly with a nice damp cloth. It’s just so quiet in the room without her on the bed. At least if I were to take a break…she’d always be by the sidelines offering something new out there.
Gee…if that’s the case…then some life I have. I mean…is this one of the window of things to come? A guy who forms closer bonds with machines better than human beings? I was talking to one of my friends today. Talking on how hard I find it to find connections with people. We both agreed on one thing…I’m scared. As much as I talk about facing your fears, even I have my own fears to face…and it still eats me up no matter what.
What am I afraid off? Best not to share for the time being. But fear always clouds your judgement…no matter where, when and how. Fear is the double edged sword. The one survival trait that can kill you as well.
Sometimes I can’t see what’s ahead of me…even now I can’t see the future. For the first time in many months…I’m blinded towards the possibilities of the future. I can’t see my own path and that makes me even more scared of the possibilities that might follow. If you were to ask me months before on what I see myself doing. I could tell you a great deal of things…but now where am I? Sidelined and lost…desperately trying to make sense of a map written in a language I forgot to read while cars whiz pass me on the many destinations they are on.
All because I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what the future may bring and I’m afraid of where I’m headed in that future. It all boils down to one fear…the fear that I have always had all my life. It isn’t much of the dark, but what comes from it. It isn’t the tight spaces but what it holds. It isn’t the people but what they give me. Maybe my friend was right…maybe I’m giving myself too much excuses not to conquer my single greatest fear.
Maybe that’s why I attach myself to machines more than people. At least I am not so afraid as I am when I’m with people. At least I see in the machines I am with the order that could only come out from the chaos that the world give us all the time. Maybe I feel that machines empathise with my plight more than people could ever do. Maybe I’m just going nuts because Sarah’s not here and I’ve been studying too much all day.
Either way…if this is going to be of things to come. It’s going to be a long week indeed. It’s going to be a very very long week indeed…