I hate mood swings, don’t you? I hate the fact that one minute you can be laughing and smiling without the care in the world and nothing to feel responsible for, then next minute you’re seriously pissed at something that means nothing and you don’t know why you’re thinking too much dark thoughts about it wanting so much to cry. The worse thing is…while you might expect this from women, it’s kinda hard when you see men go through the same thing.
Saddest thing is…I’m one of them.
Yes… It’s about time most of you know that I am emotional. More emotional than what most people usually expect me or see me to be. If you already knew that…well then…I guess it was obvious anyway. I don’t know why I’m emotional. Maybe because I’m a Cancer. Maybe because I have low levels or testosterone or higher levels of progesterone or something like that. Maybe I have deep personal issues that started with my parents and I’m paying the price for it.
Ow…my head hurts.
I hate it when I’m a solid rock at one time and a depressed, almost-weeping mess the next time. I hate it when I realise that it’s nothing at all and I just feel…vulnerable and useless when I should be the other way round. I hate it that I am a melting pot of emotions that I try so hard to reign in and control. I feel for myself as I feel for others. Sometimes I forget who’s emotions I am feeling…mine or the person I’m talking to.
I felt so much better being a sociopath.
But then…there is nothing I can do than ride through all of these feelings the way they should. Maybe I could lock myself up and punch something to make me feel better. Maybe I can lie down on the bed thinking dark dark thoughts and feeling worse about myself. But all i want is just for you to be there…even if you don’t say a word. Just to be there to hold my hand and pull me close. To embrace me lightly and kiss me on the forehead and let me weep silently on your shoulders letting it all go.
Of course, being where I am.
That last option can’t be done can it?
So I sit here on my bed. In a big country I am unfamilair with in the middle of a place I can’t point on the map. Writing this blog with a bad swimming migrane and an very very painful shin. Wishing you were here and trying to make sure Dino doesn’t shed a tear.
Hopefully you’ll be on.
Hopefully I will feel better.
Hopefully we’ll be by each other again.