It’s a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the cold wind is blowing down from the nearby mountains, I feel warm and really spiffy in my new trenchcoat. This is one of those days where it feels almost sacrilegious to ask for more. Why do I feel as if I should be asking for a reason to feel miserable?
Maybe I’m a stubborn bastard that’s why.
I know I know…you told me once I’ve settled in I’d feel…good about myself. I’m not saying I feel good about myself right about now, then again neither am I saying I feel bad about myself. The thing is…I don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling about myself. I just feel as if I should have more than just this to feel happy. I feel guilty being happy or at least contented without you being here.
That really doesn’t feel right.
Maybe I am one of those people who thrives on misery? I certainly hope not. Maybe it’s the change of atmosphere. Maybe I need a sense of misery, a sense of dread to give me a reason to feel optimistically happy. Does that make any sense? I hope it does not or you’re as screwed up as me.
Maybe I’m not really happy. Maybe it’s just an illusion of happiness created because I got new things and I’m wearing new things. You know how people feel when they buy new clothes and objects and feel good about themselves when they do? Maybe it’s just the euphoria of getting myself a new phone and line here (I got Optus Pre-Paid if that means anything to you Ben). Maybe it’s the feeling of vanity as I sport an all black look with a black trenchcoat and my shades.
Maybe it’s just the temporary feeling of having a fresh start.
I look outside these glass windows and see a world so familiar and yet so different. I step outside those doors and I’m just one more student but I’m also another outsider. I walk into those halls and I’m just another face but also a unique hand that has his say. Is that any reason for me to be happy? It pretty much depends on what we’re looking at.
The familiarity to the unknown? Sure. The island of isolation? Definitely not. The feeling of uniqueness? That’s a pretty good bet.
Screw this…there are many levels of happiness and misery just as there are many levels of love and pain. I should be happy for me anyway. I did exactly what I needed to do…take back control of my own life. I am in control of my life. If I have at least some self respect, I’d know I should be proud of where I stand even if I stand ever so low along the line.
There will be other days of misery and self pity. There will be other days where I stumble. I know you want me to be happy…and I will be. Right now…for the rest of today.
I’ll smile without a reason or doubt.
I’ll smile for what I have.
A future to hold on to.