To those of you who know me personally, you’d know I’m one of those people who’d rather have a root canal (I don’t know why that just reminded me of Leen) than admit that he needs help, admit that people are there for me or admit that other people are right.
So it comes as quite a surprise and shock for some of you to know that within the past two days I have admitted openly that I need help from people and that there are people being there for me.
Might as well throw the bomb on this one as well.
Yes you guys are right.
Maybe that’s all I needed to hear, that people will be there to woice out things I dare not say or feel things I don’t want to feel within myself. I know I can’t be angry, I can’t hate or do things otherwise towards the way she acts around me because it is my choice. It’s something I have to live with because I know things that other people don’t. I am the story that other people hear part off.
As monumentally stupid as it may seem, as illogical as it is beyond my own character as a sociopath and a technogeek, anyone who has ever risked so much for a love that DID work out in the end would understand.
Some things are worth alot in life to let go so completely.
But I am letting go, not by heart and soul completely but at least by words and action. As much as you, you and…well…alot of you say it’s not worth it. Then again, why should I stop chasing after heaven when I have already tasted and lost it? If life is about purpose and goals, trials and tribulations, suffering and growth.
Then she is indeed as I said before the sole reason for me to live life.
You can’t give up on a purpose no matter how unreachable it may seem.
But for now, to reach whatever goal and purpose in life, I have to take myself away from it if only to recollect my own sense of self worth and any dignity and self confidance that I lost when this hell that I have been living for months dropped down upon me.
There will still be nights of restless pain and torment. There will still be days of wonder and self doubt. But in the end, there will just be me with the life I surround myself with. Whatever joy and pain that comes with people. Whatever success and failure that comes with the job. Whatever peace and darkness that comes with reality.
In the end.
It’ll just be me living the life I want to live.
And be content if not happy for the life I have before me.
That’s all I can do.
That’s all any of us can do.