It’s been days since I last posted. It’s been the same amount of days since I last refreshed this page. It seems weird being so meticulous…yet…feeling so relaxed, to a point of apathic about updating my blog. I know I should feel that knot in my chest when I’m supposed to do something out of habit. But strangely enough…
What does this mean?
I don’t know.
I don’t know what it means. I was standing in the shower today for the longest time. I haven’t showered for 2 days…which is beginning to be a usual thing in this climate. But yeah…feeling the hot water beat down the back of your head and neck, letting it trail down your face like that. It gives you room to think…like nothing else in the world mattered except that water. The only thing I that came close to that was sitting on top of that hill.
That and being in your room with you all those nights.
Maybe I don’t have anything to write because nothing much really happened around here. I don’t know…I am a person that thrives on conflict. I live for the kill. I live for being the shoulder to lean on. Being the person that always gave you an obscure second option when you needed it. Here…
There is nothing that gives me the same thrill of being entwined in a life of another. Coaxing and caressing it to it’s full potential. If there was ever a moment that would give me a reason to spew out a million and one life philosophies a time…it would be when I could so closely see life through the eyes of another.
To almost for that brief moment.
Feel like I’m wearing someone else’s shoes.
Or maybe I just miss my muse…miss my sense of inspiration. Which made me wonder. What DOES inspire me? What drives me? I have let go of alot of this…pent up frustration from the past to my present. Is that what has been driving me to do the things I do? All that frustration…all that anger…all that rage. Is that my driving force?
I told you I would have to deal with it in my own way.
Have I been too successful?
If anything. Being here is all the peace I wanted in a life. I was built for a place like this. But…it’s not really complete…not really…perfect. I could go on living my life here if only I knew everything I could ever accomplish was accomplished. Everything I would ever strive to reach was all reached. Everything I could live and die for…was all done. Then yes…this is a nice place to hold your hand and look at the stars. This would be a great place to have that pool where no one can disturb us.
Then it would be…perfect.
For now…I just need a little inspiration. I need a reason to keep thinking. I need to find a way to drive me harder, push me farther even in a place where all I feel like doing is living the rest of my life out in peace.
I’m a soldier born for war.
We’re not meant to live in peace.
Not until the job is done.
I just need to find my drive.