I’ve been having lots of very vivid dreams lately…well not just the ones in the night, but even the day dreams when I’m not doing anything. Different worlds and different situations really, both nightmares and normal lives…though nothing pleasent yet, but all of them sharing one important connection.
I’m an angel with a broken wing.
It would have been cool though if I found out that I’m not really that crazy. That all the voices I hear, all the different rules that I have walked by, the unusual coincidences, all the wierd almost prophetic dreams I get isn’t some random kismet of events that just happen to clumped up together into one person slowly eating him up from within. It would be really nice if there was a logical explaination to it. Yeah.
Like I’m a fallen angel that has lost his memory.
Or something like that.
I have seriously got to stop staying awake all the time.
In any case, even dreaming those crazy dreams is better than reliving all the nightmarish memories of my own life and wallowing in my own self misery. When it’s hard to find someone who can take all the things you have in your life, you better damn well distract yourself enough to keep on moving.
Now I tried drinking and that sure as hell emptied my wallet and made my ulcers feel like they were doing the cha-cha on heavy metal. I’ve tried clubbing and that made me feel empty…which also included my wallet as well. I tried talking to people…which kinda sucks in the rocks cause apparently I have to realise I’m the guy people talk TO when they need to spill something and not the other way round.
So really…going back to basics is the next best thing.
I mean…I used to do this a lot when I was a kid and I was a seriously lonely kid so I had lots of time to daydream. I guess it’s the only security blanket I have to space out into my own worlds rather than have to constantly deal with a shitty situation all the time.
Now…this doesn’t mean I’m running away from my problems. I’m the last person for that and I’m the one who usually tells some of you to face your problems all the way. It’s just that like some of you have been telling me, I just need a few minutes for myself to take a break. Of course the times when you tell me to take a break is pretty much not the right time at all, at least you know now I do have times to myself…even though I’m a pretty harsh self-judge.
Which I would assume is a good thing.
We all have our ways of taking time off to ourselves. Most with friends…some of us without friends. But one thing remains the same. None of us can ever hope to push ourselves too far for too long a time and expect to stay sane.
Hell…I don’t know whether I’m still sane or not.
All I know is I do what I have to do when it needs to be done…and if I see wings on my back in the mirror or hear the voices of other people’s thoughts through the process well then that’s just part of the job I guess.
We all do what we need to do. It’s just how far we go to get it done that makes the difference and where we stop to give ourselves some time for it.
I just forgot where to stop that’s all.