Downhill From There

Sometimes no matter how many times you say you’re sorry, it’s still not going to change the fact that you’re the one that made the mistake and you’re accountable for it.

You might be tempted to get away with giving excuses, but regardless of what can be said, there is no denying that it was your fault. But I’m guessing that’s not why I feel sick to my stomach.

The thing is, regardless of mistakes, many things are forgivable in life. Especially if they are first time offenses that are completely accidental. The problem with this is that the people that I like tend to, like me, have a vindictive personality that’s as forgiving as the members of the Spanish inquisition.

If however, you like me were perceptive enough to pick up the key word “people that I like”, you’d begin to get the bigger picture of things. It’s one thing of course to feel tiny and scared when people are mad at you for things you know you did wrong. It’s another to have the people you like be mad at you for the things you know you shouldn’t have done wrong.

It’s not hard to guess now why I feel sick to my stomach. I really do not like this feeling at all.

6 thoughts on “Downhill From There

  1. Experiences have thought me that sometimes, certain people need a reminder that they’ve gone out of track, and things that they do do not bring benefit to themselves or others.

    But then, seeing how I tend not to tell people off for their mistakes, perhaps the best way is to move on. I know this is quite a harsh judgement, and I know I’ve left some people behind because of the things they’ve done. The thought of seeing them again, and having similar events unfold themselves once more makes me sick.

    Perhaps that’s why I don’t tend to forgive easily.

  2. There are moments when we all become someone else., something other than what we are. For that instant we become our own worst instincts. It takes only a moment, but we spend the rest of our lives looking back at that moment in shame.

  3. What if it’s not becoming someone else, but revealing who we really are. The parts of us that we wisely hide from the publics eye? Being true to yourself may be a good idea, but not when you have to make up for the problems it can cause.

  4. All parts of you make you, good and bad. People will try to do what they think is right for them, even if they otherwise know it’s wrong. When you do something that is out of line for how you’d otherwise act, you are not who you choose to be in your life at that moment, but who you have chosen to be for that moment despite your life. To see that which is the worst in us as the “true” self is a very depressing thought, indeed. But to see that which is best in us as our only selves is in itself a deception. Fundamentally, any person can decide what shall become of them, mentally and spiritually. Who we choose to be, not when we are not our own worst instincts, but during the rest of the time — that is who we truly are.

    Being true to yourself does not mean being true to the worst of you all the time, or being true to what you are now and seeing it as static, eternal. Being true to yourself is also being true to your desired path, to where you want to be, to who you want to become. And though who you are now may be in conflict with who you want to become, neither will be more you than the other for all time.

  5. Cléa: Only pray that it leaves nothing undesired in its wake.

    Gnorb: Then that’s the balance isn’t it? To be aware of both the parts of yourself that would to something constructive as well as the parts of you that should better keep quiet. Maybe it differs the way we both see it because those natural instincts whether good or bad also amounts to who we are. Denying it rather than accepting and embracing helps a person define better who they are. Making use of those worst instincts for instance is a good thing (eg. I often use my anger as will to keep going and melancholy to create my best works).

    I don’t deny the path which I walk, that part at least I try and live free. Because of that, the conflict with my own self has long since disappeared. It’s in realizing that the freedom to flex the facets of your own self comes at a price of the people around you. It makes you wonder, how far would you go, how much damage to others would you leave in your wake, before you have to put those masks back on again.

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