I want it , and yet I don’t want it.

As the day moves closer, the pressure is mounting, and I’m beginning to lose the coherent flow of my thoughts. We keep arguing, these days, sometimes, several times a day, or even, several times an hour. Its the minute details and tiny ‘non-issues’, the answers to the simple questions, like where to stay, who pays for the rent, who pays for the utility bills, who decides on the decorations, what kind of bed we’ll be sleeping in, the colours of the cushion covers, the ideal brand for the microwave, the material of the curtains, or what the kitchen cabinets should look like… the stuff that make up the usual, everyday, mundane discussions for some reason, have turned into scream-and-scratch sessions.

And so while I’m looking forward to the day, a small part of me is doubtful of the future that lies ahead. As much as I understand that ‘we create what we want to create’, and that the future can be whatever I want it to be, I can’t help but fear the worst.

I don’t want to be afraid of what’s not-even there. It weakens me, and I hate the feeling of being unable to control the situations. I know that the contexts that revolve around me are not usually dictated by my will and desires, and while I know that the outcomes are always based on my decisions and actions; and yet the knowledge doesn’t seem to strengthen me. Rather, I fear that I’m losing my soul, as if it’s falling into an unseen abyss that’s there, and yet not there. My heart and my brain will me to believe in the good, the possible. Yet the subconscious in me is on a deliberate autopilot self-destruction mode.

I don’t understand the stuff that I keep struggling to understand, although I kind off ‘get it’ that the efforts to discover what’s necessarily undiscoverable are technically eating up into my energies and soul, I can’t seem to stop this. This, this, incessant need to know, to discover, to get at what is available out there (or rather, what I believe is available out there). But the more I look, the more the answers elude me (and I know, they elude me because they’re simply, not there).

A life of togetherness, forever. How is it possible that I look forward to it so much, and yet I fear it so much? Why am I built this way? Why is it that I seem to be my biggest stumbling block in my journey towards obtaining eternal joy and happiness?

5 thoughts on “I want it , and yet I don’t want it.

  1. Control is only an illusion. I don’t mean to sound mean or arrogant, but I would highly recommend letting go of the illusion of control and you’ll feel a lot better.

  2. It sounds like a very bad case of pre-wedding jitters to me. As regards your questions:

    “How is it possible that I look forward to it so much, and yet I fear it so much? Why am I built this way? Why is it that I seem to be my biggest stumbling block in my journey towards obtaining eternal joy and happiness?”

    We, as human beings, are always our single biggest stumbling blocks. Period. We are all built this way, so I suggest that you don’t sweat it too much. We also look forward toa better future, however we might envision it. For marriage it’s usually the love and companionship that we crave, and the relationship is the avenue to that end. However, it brings up fears of losing our individuality and freedoms. Though we crave the union, we still think in terms of the singular. We think in terms of “I”, not “us”.

    You are entering into a brand new life, and it’s normal to be scared witless. Marriage is a whole different animal, different even from just living together. Here’s what happened to me: rather than lose my unique individualism, I found it enhanced and expanded all that was “me” beyond anything that I could have imagined. I won’t say that my wife completed me, but rather added to me, and I to her. And together we become more than the sum of our parts. Together, we grew exponentially.

    The fighting over the details that you are experiencing is probably just a symptom of deeper stresses and fears. Don’t let them become deal breakers without at least trying to talk to your beloved first about what is really bothering you. Your concerns may be vastly different from what I have outlined here, and that’s ok. If I may suggest, use this as an opportunity to practice going to your wife-to-be, and getting closer to her, rather than allowing it to drive a wedge between you. She will be your refuge, if you allow her to be, and you hers, but not if you continue to think in terms of “I” instead of “us”.

    Cheers, Marc

  3. Just chill. Easier said than done I know. But I find that getting yourself all worked up over something that hasn’t happened yet just makes it harder. Relax and take it as it goes.

  4. Take it step by step and realize that no-one really has control. A relationship is all a give, take and sharing that is all tempered by love. There are times when it is best to let the other win rather than argue over insignificant trifling matters. I know that things like curtains and stuff don’t really interest me and I let her have her way even though sometimes the choices she goes for aren’t really what I would have picked. Does it make me less an individual? I don’t think so.

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