As the day moves closer, the pressure is mounting, and I’m beginning to lose the coherent flow of my thoughts. We keep arguing, these days, sometimes, several times a day, or even, several times an hour. Its the minute details and tiny ‘non-issues’, the answers to the simple questions, like where to stay, who pays for the rent, who pays for the utility bills, who decides on the decorations, what kind of bed we’ll be sleeping in, the colours of the cushion covers, the ideal brand for the microwave, the material of the curtains, or what the kitchen cabinets should look like… the stuff that make up the usual, everyday, mundane discussions for some reason, have turned into scream-and-scratch sessions.
And so while I’m looking forward to the day, a small part of me is doubtful of the future that lies ahead. As much as I understand that ‘we create what we want to create’, and that the future can be whatever I want it to be, I can’t help but fear the worst.
I don’t want to be afraid of what’s not-even there. It weakens me, and I hate the feeling of being unable to control the situations. I know that the contexts that revolve around me are not usually dictated by my will and desires, and while I know that the outcomes are always based on my decisions and actions; and yet the knowledge doesn’t seem to strengthen me. Rather, I fear that I’m losing my soul, as if it’s falling into an unseen abyss that’s there, and yet not there. My heart and my brain will me to believe in the good, the possible. Yet the subconscious in me is on a deliberate autopilot self-destruction mode.
I don’t understand the stuff that I keep struggling to understand, although I kind off ‘get it’ that the efforts to discover what’s necessarily undiscoverable are technically eating up into my energies and soul, I can’t seem to stop this. This, this, incessant need to know, to discover, to get at what is available out there (or rather, what I believe is available out there). But the more I look, the more the answers elude me (and I know, they elude me because they’re simply, not there).
A life of togetherness, forever. How is it possible that I look forward to it so much, and yet I fear it so much? Why am I built this way? Why is it that I seem to be my biggest stumbling block in my journey towards obtaining eternal joy and happiness?