Identities We Never See Coming

At some point in time, I became an adult. Handling the responsibilities of a paid job, a roof over my head, bills and just basically trying to fit in all the things needed to survive a daily life. In a way, the life I’ve lived has always been this way. It wasn’t hard to slip in and out of handling responsibilities in the real world when a large part of you was always living in it on your own. It makes you forget any distinction. It makes you forget any solace.

At some point in time, I became a lover. Basking in the warm radiance of someone who complements the kind of person you are, in spite of the best and worst parts of yourself. There are the joys of doting and being doted upon, and the bleakness of separation by time and distance. Yet at its core lies an unchangeable essence that has kept the relationship alive day after day, ironically born from the same failures in the past. It makes us heal the painful memories. It makes us know that we are never alone.

At some point in time, I became a child. Idly playing in a world that I never did in the years I should have, experiencing life through the eyes of innocence and cheekiness rather than a hard, morbid cynicism. In a way, the old world is new again, if only to share with a select group of people like a kid pretending to be hero with a secret identity. Yet in this playfulness lies a painful realisation that all good things must come to an end, even if it is temporary. It makes you appreciate what what’s been missing. It makes you reach out for the things we desire most.

No matter what I’ve become over the years, they are still a part of me I’ve came to realise after some time. Such changes are never things you see coming, more often than not, they are gradual, like the shifting landscape that took centuries to carve. Yet, in these changes, they are often permanent, becoming a part of who you are rather than a temporary mask you slap on to get along with the people around you. It’s what makes us the people we are, rather than the people we’re forced to become. It is still you as I am still me. For better or for worse, we have to live with it, and live with it the best way we can.

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