There is not much that can be said about someone who spends a lot of his time working in a room by himself. Even if I wanted to hang out with people, there are far and few opportunities in between to thoroughly enjoy the moments. Whether it be by sheer chance or a chosen commitment, I spend most of my time by myself, unable to related or connect to the rest of the world beyond the superficial politeness of a workplace.
While I still do want to have someone whom I can share my enjoyment with, I am beginning to realise that it is easy to cover up the need for social connection and fulfillment by simply burying yourself in your own ambitions. It’s harder to give in to the constant mood swings when you force yourself to commit to what you know needs to be done.
In many ways, the seething anger, frustrations and bitterness about my lack of social life have become to sole driving force behind my work and life. It’s a comfort to know that despite what other people may say about being optimistic and happy, I have something that I know works well for me. It’s not to say that it is a foolproof plan, but if know you can’t be anything else but angry and depressed, at the very least, try and put it into good use. It’s far easier to accept and control something you’re already intimately familiar with, than try and turn your whole life around to something that has no guarantees to its success.
After all, if reality is defined by our own sense of perceptions, then all the better to redefine it to suit our current predicament. If there is anything to be learned, it is that what the world shows us as black and white isn’t always true, nor is it always unremitting. If you’re willing to owe up to the consequences of being different from the general norm, then happiness, success and the better life is all about changing reality to suit your needs and abilities.
Sometimes the darkness has its own rainbows and sing-along-songs. For the first time since I knew it could be done, I’m finally singing it in perfect tune.