Some days I wonder whether the troubles in my life stems from my failure to connect with the rest of society or my attempts to connect with society in the first place. Sometimes I feel that I could do so much more were I not troubled by the constant efforts to just blend in with the rest of the world.
Even if empathising and expressing sympathy towards people’s feelings and plight, being kind, meek, humble has become somewhat of a second nature to me, there are days when I realise that there is just so much effort put in just so I can be less of a freak to people than I already am. Effort that I put into standing out less could be better put into becoming someone better than I am right now.
If anything, the past few days have been spent opening my eyes to something I only thought existed in my own imagination. That maybe all the past screw-ups and hobbies I’ve kept hidden away from people points me to a place where I can truly hone the abilities that make up part who I am. If I spent less time pretending to be someone I’m not, that part of me could very well work out successfully, maybe for the better life that I’ve always thought I’ve been missing.
It could very well be that I won’t be missing much in life as it is being so disconnected from people for most of my life. It’s just that if this is a place in time where the limits of my social isolation has reached its critical mass, then I might as well take it all the way to the end and come out with something worthwhile from it. Let it not be said I was never practical in turning things around to suit my benefit, it’s just part of who I am, a part of what I need to develop more.
Maybe the end of the road for me is one that will wrap itself up in tragedy, but that’s only for society to remember it by. The real tragedy would be if I don’t create the opportunities and take the chances to be honest with myself in a world which lies to its own face. The least I can do is finish it without regret and above all, do whatever I can, to never get caught.