They were both there. One, a distorted representation of what I once had. The other, a childishly devious image of what I longed for. The background was a past I never had in a place I never really lived. Yet it was a world I felt comfortable in, like I belonged there.
In it all, was the echo of frustration and hate. The distorted image of the past held on someone I didn’t like. Someone that I knew wasn’t worthy of her happiness. It wasn’t my place to say. It wasn’t my time to act. All I could do was to watch in bitterness the way they were around one another. How he was the cause of her twisting up into an ugly facade of the beauty she once was. Again I was helpless. Again, I could not do anything but stand there and watch a tragedy unfold in front of me.
Then in a blink of an eye, she was there. The now and the future. The grinning Cheshire cat of a smile I knew too well. I don’t know if it was just her smile, or the fact she was just there, but all the frustrations, anger and bitterness seemed to melt away. I was content, if not happy. I was fulfilled, if not complete. I knew I couldn’t touch her. I couldn’t hold on to her and whisper the sweet nothings. Yet, her presence alone was enough to dispel the darkness that kept me in that moment, caught up in the past.
I didn’t feel torn between the two loves of life. I don’t think I ever had. I knew what they were. More importantly, I knew when they were. I knew I couldn’t save the past as much as I knew I could do something about the future. They were there in my life, as they always have been, as they always will be. My once past and future lovers. They who mean the world to me and whom I would, and have done everything for. It is something I never want to wake up from and maybe I never have at all.
Which was probably why I woke up late, from an alarm that never rang, to a world I am once again devoid of them both, emotionally and physically. A world where I have to put it all back into a place in my mind to until the next time my head rests against the comforts of a bed and pillow. A world where I can only echo to the ones I love,
“Je rêve de toi”.