In 48 hours, I will be on Malaysian soil. You can say for the most part…I don’t even know whether I am looking foward to it. On one hand it would feel good to sleep in the bed I practically grew up in. On the other hand…it just feels like I don’t know what home feels like anymore.
The concept of home isn’t lost to me though, but it isn’t what most people would call a place where you can stay with a roof over your head for a long period of time. I mean…that concept would probably work best with ancient cavemen who hid from wild man-eating animals and the weather mostly while arguing which wall art looks best with the current decor. Then again, I don’t think its that different today too. It’s just that we hide from psychotic homeless criminals and replace home made wall art with Swedish furniture.
The point is, home for me is not just 4 walls and a roof over my head . That’s just a place to to protect me against the elements. Home for me is a place where I belong. A place where I can just feel…safe. as I would have learnt a long time ago…some things can’t protect you from the world out there despite having all the walls around you. In truth…sometimes it just makes it far worse.
So coming back to me leaving this place. Do I feel safe here? To be honest with myself, yeah I do. It’s not just the fact that nothing in this place has hurt me at all. It’s not just the fact that right now, there is someone here that I treat as a security blanket for my own insecure self. It’s the fact that, the “home” that I’m returning to is one that resulted in more scars on my body and mind than I can remember…and I don’t think that can ever change.
Most people would argue that I am acting like spoilt ungrateful person who doesn’t appreciate what his country had given him. I say, I have nothing personal againt the country that sheltered me before. It’s just that when we have an opportunity to make something new and better of yourself in another place. You shouldn’t deny that too for the sake being sentimental. It’s just being practical at life…and as of late, I’m becoming very very practical.
It’s not to say that I will make a difference here too. Of course there is always a margin for failure…but I can say, so what. I didn’t leave in huff saying I will never return, I’m just saying let me try my chances out here and see if I can really find a home for myself in a place I feel comfortable in. Let me see if I can find some part of myself right here in a place which has given me better memories that I have of back home. Let me see if I can find myself a future in a place where I have no past to remember. Maybe then, it’ll be a home for me to find.
So let it be and we’ll see how things go. I will miss this place but I will be back. There are things I need to settle back home. People I have to meet, family I have to greet. After that…the sky’s the limit. Who knows…it might be the last time I will ever pack to move to a place. I’ll just be left with those mail order Swedish furniture in the end. I wonder if they come in stainless steel chrome?