Silent Screams In The Dark…

A few days ago I couldn't really blog properly simply because there was too many things going through my mind that I seriously couldn't keep up with what I want to say. As it is I'm still having problems trying to focus my mind on one thing at a time but at the rate things are going…I don't think the amount of information going through my mind is going to reduce any time soon.

I seriously need to get an MP3 player.

Let me tell you why.

Imagine if you will being in a library full of books that you have to read and catalogue. Imagine if you will that this library keeps on adding books periodically in order to keep up with the world outside. Now imagine if you will several dozen angry, frustrated and very annoying people who know your most darkest secrets and insecurities in the library, each shouting their own opinion on what must be done in the library.

That is my mind.

That has been my mind ever since I was 9.

It's no secret to some of you that I hear things in my head. Some of you don't think it's of any consequence that I hear things simply because you may think I can easily block it out. Some of you know how bad it can be simply because I know some of you hear the same kinds of voice yourself. Whatever the case is, I know for myself that there is nothing anyone can do for me save for what I have been trying to do for all this time.

That's where music comes in.

For as long as I have realised it, I have been listening to songs wherever I go, however I can. From cassette players to my cd player that recently burnt out on me, it just has to be done…because the further I go in life, the louder the voices call to me…and the only thing that can drown out the voices are the tunes of the music that echo back into my head.

It's not a particularly pleasant thing to have voices echoing in your head to kill the people around you. Neither is it a pleasant thing to have all your insecurities poked at constantly with the echoes of the people who have done that to you over and over again in the past. So you can imagine how hard I have to concentrate just to turn away from that which claws at every inch of my thoughts.

You can imagine why I'm so afraid of the silent dark where all you are left with is with your own thoughts.

It's been hard on me recently to have all the voices scream without the music I listen to ever since my player when bust. It's harder when I'm not in the company of people that I can talk to verbally rather than online. But as it is…I've got enough problems to worry about and so little time left finish it off.

Right now I have 200 bucks in my bank account. I need another 150 more to get myself a player I can use. That's why I'm cutting back on my food a lot. That's why money has been really slim for me recently. I rather starve than have to listen to those voices one more day. I rather die than to curl up in my bed unable to do anything but have my head throb with pain and the words that are not completely of my own thoughts.

I need that player soon.

I don't know how long my nights can stand the silent screams.

I don't how long I can keep this facade of sanity in silence.

I just don't know how else I finish studying.

7 Comments

  • June 7, 2005 - 03:20 | Permalink

    I wonder does those voices inside your head belongs to someone’s thought? Or is it just something that resonates inside your brain only? Or do they belong to the death? I don’t really get it. If you can read mind, never would I want to meet you in real life. If the voices are yours alone, well, maybe you could be schizophrenic. Or you could be a psychic.

  • June 7, 2005 - 11:11 | Permalink

    Its just like being in a room with a large crowd. A lot of background noise all trying to out talk each other. No I don’t think Ican read minds. I can feel what another person feels but I highly doubt I can read minds. I know I’m not schiz because as much as I hear voices, I don’t suffer from bi-polar personality disorder. You really don’t have to worry about me…I’ve been having this for a long. It’s just something I have to live with that’s all.

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  • amber
    March 15, 2007 - 13:19 | Permalink

    Hi i know what you are talking about exactly. this thread is a few years old and i dont know if you still feel the same way, but i to have the problem of hearing voices. but its not really voices it is like a speaker inside your brain that wont turn off. its hard to sleep at night especially when i am under alot of stress or have alot on my mind. well i hope that you are able to read this some day. -amber amberlyn_loves@yahoo.com

  • March 15, 2007 - 13:24 | Permalink

    I still hear the voices. I don’t think its really something that can heal with time, but you can get used to it, or at least not let it bother you that much. I still rely on my music though, especially when the nights are long and the stress is very very high.

  • March 25, 2007 - 00:36 | Permalink

    Hi, I found this page seaching the internet about hearing voices, I do not tell many people about the voices I hear and thankfully the sound of a fan going helps to block them at night so that I can sleep, much of the time I do not hear them my trouble is at night when I try to get to sleep and the voices wont stop talking, most of the time I dont think they are talking to me, somtimes they do seem to be, at least the times when they call my name. What got my attention about your blog is the empathy part, I too feel what others feel and also would not call my self psychic even though I have at times known things that I should have no knowledge of, I would not be surprised if that was the case for you as well. Maybe theres somthing to this, the empathy and the voices? Well please do take care of yourself and know that you are definitely not alone and definitely not crazy, you know its the sane people that worry they may be crazy while the crazy ones are convinced they are sane.

  • Ashish Kumar
    September 18, 2007 - 13:03 | Permalink

    Just found this thread and wanted to write in.. i have had these voices in my head for the longest time i can remember. My head has been so full of chatter and noise… music would help once in a while, or i would be fine when i had company, but sleeping, waking, driving, travelling, any time i am alone, the voices dominate. and it would be ok, if they spoke something coherent, but no.

    sometimes, these voices, or actually, this particular voice has guided me, fore-told me things that have come true. now as i traverse through life’s tough phases, i search for this voice.. i am currently stuck in a moment searching for that voice.. i hear several, but i don’t know which one it is…

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