A few days ago I couldn't really blog properly simply because there was too many things going through my mind that I seriously couldn't keep up with what I want to say. As it is I'm still having problems trying to focus my mind on one thing at a time but at the rate things are going…I don't think the amount of information going through my mind is going to reduce any time soon.
I seriously need to get an MP3 player.
Let me tell you why.
Imagine if you will being in a library full of books that you have to read and catalogue. Imagine if you will that this library keeps on adding books periodically in order to keep up with the world outside. Now imagine if you will several dozen angry, frustrated and very annoying people who know your most darkest secrets and insecurities in the library, each shouting their own opinion on what must be done in the library.
That is my mind.
That has been my mind ever since I was 9.
It's no secret to some of you that I hear things in my head. Some of you don't think it's of any consequence that I hear things simply because you may think I can easily block it out. Some of you know how bad it can be simply because I know some of you hear the same kinds of voice yourself. Whatever the case is, I know for myself that there is nothing anyone can do for me save for what I have been trying to do for all this time.
That's where music comes in.
For as long as I have realised it, I have been listening to songs wherever I go, however I can. From cassette players to my cd player that recently burnt out on me, it just has to be done…because the further I go in life, the louder the voices call to me…and the only thing that can drown out the voices are the tunes of the music that echo back into my head.
It's not a particularly pleasant thing to have voices echoing in your head to kill the people around you. Neither is it a pleasant thing to have all your insecurities poked at constantly with the echoes of the people who have done that to you over and over again in the past. So you can imagine how hard I have to concentrate just to turn away from that which claws at every inch of my thoughts.
You can imagine why I'm so afraid of the silent dark where all you are left with is with your own thoughts.
It's been hard on me recently to have all the voices scream without the music I listen to ever since my player when bust. It's harder when I'm not in the company of people that I can talk to verbally rather than online. But as it is…I've got enough problems to worry about and so little time left finish it off.
Right now I have 200 bucks in my bank account. I need another 150 more to get myself a player I can use. That's why I'm cutting back on my food a lot. That's why money has been really slim for me recently. I rather starve than have to listen to those voices one more day. I rather die than to curl up in my bed unable to do anything but have my head throb with pain and the words that are not completely of my own thoughts.
I need that player soon.
I don't know how long my nights can stand the silent screams.
I don't how long I can keep this facade of sanity in silence.
I just don't know how else I finish studying.