I feel as if I am stuck in a limbo. Unable to move in any direction until the matter has been settled. Unable to share the secret with anyone even if they are willing to listen. Unable to walk away from this fear until it consumes me being in its entirety.
I suppose, the lack of people’s attention towards what I do has become a blessing. I don’t have many people who would care to be curious enough to ask what is really wrong. For the most part, people’s inability to see the worst side of things has kept the right questions at bay. It’s not to say that the occasional advices to simply “chill out” have been helpful either. It’s hard enough to keep my mind off things when the tools for escaping this reality for even a moment has become the source of all the problems.
So I do whatever I can for that small ounce of comfort in the night. It’s not enough that the rules have changed, but so has my world. Three weeks ago, if you had told me it would come to this, I wouldn’t have believed you, but it has and I wasn’t prepared for the storm that is to come.
Right now, what I need the most are the people who would be willing to stand by me, in darkness, in truth and in the face of it all. Yet what I really have is the only person in the world who has become a part of my world. Even in that, lies the cruel irony that we have to be divided by time and space. When you have no one left to turn to in the cold night, sometimes it’s best to wear the solitary blanket, if not to keep warm, then at least to shut your eyes from all the nightmares that will eventually get you.
It’s the only comfort I can think of.