I’m not much for reminiscing my past life. There is just too much bad memory there for me to dwell on. I often justified my painfully shut history by saying that the only time that matters is now and what you can do for a future you’ve yet to experience and that nostalgia is another way of saying your life now isn’t as good as it could be compared to all those years ago. This is completely true on both accounts.
However, my subconscious doesn’t seem to think so.
For awhile now, there has been a lingering dream, always different, but consistently centered around one thing. My school life. I am constantly haunted by the places, the events and mostly the people from that time. While emotions within the dream rarely invoke a sense of despair and desperation that I’ve often experienced in the past, I wake up from those dreams with a sense of loss and frustration. One not centered around wishing for the “good ol’ days”, but centered around the desire for something I never had, and probably will never experience.
If I could erase those memories from myself, I would be so tempted to. But I know, that it is those memories, that past that makes me who I am and drives me to do what I do. Even if the side effect of all those years of abandonment and betrayal has turned me into a bitter person, I wouldn’t trade those moments for the better life I know I have achieved because of it, compared to all the people who I still dream about.
It’s the eternal tradeoff. Awareness for how the world works with the will and desire to strive for more at the cost of being socially dysfunctional, or being able to be content and at peace with the world with a normal life, at the cost of being ignorant. I can’t ever see myself living the second life, not at this point in time, and I’ve yet to find a balance between the best of both worlds, so I live in this one, driven by the desire to keep running forward and haunted by a past that can never be corrected or reclaimed. If I have to sacrifice a lifetime’s worth of good sleep, then I guess you already know I made that choice a long time ago.
And people wonder why I’m such a grumpy morning person.