If you were to ask me what I’m feeling right now, I would tell you that I haven’t the slightest clue.
I feel lost in the sea without direction. Envious of those around me tasked with the responsibilities I have dreamt of doing all my life.
I feel detached from people. Unable to fully earn and satisfy my longing for respect, adoration and company of my peers.
I feel tired in body and mind. Trudging along the road not because I want to, but because I feel obligated despite my need to rest.
I feel angry with life. Frustrated and disappointed with what has happened and would probably continue to happen because I can’t do anything to stop its course.
I feel in control of myself. If not in the life that surrounds me then in the part that still is me to call, lest I make things worse by letting it all go.
I feel defiant towards the obvious. I will not stoop to giving up and playing along with other people’s rules and simply prove them right in their words.
I feel grateful to what I already have. Willing to sacrifice even my childhood ambitions to see that what’s in front of me will never be taken for granted again.
I feel that in a few hours none of this will matter. Not for my own fears. Not for my own insecurities. Not for you. Not for me. Because I’ll be somewhere else far away from here. Somewhere else where none of this should matter.
I feel like taking a long deserved Yuletide break. In a place where we can sing Christmas Carols without knowing the what the next line is. In a place where we can stare into the endless horizon that while sitting on the beach. In a place where we can drink under the eternal blackness of the night and the twilight of the stars.
I’ll be back soon though, but not without someone to take over in my stead for the time being. So be nice to her. Tis the season to be giving isn’t it?